INTENTIONAL FOUL

One Tree, Many Leafs

2009-05-22T10:34:00.025-04:00

In the middle of English class one day, the starting linebacker of our junior varsity football team turned to me, grunted 'let's go', and got up to leave. It was the first and last time I recall him ever speaking to me directly. Our teacher, Mrs. Dobbs, naturally stopped him demanding an explanation. He said defiantly, 'Have game today, catch bus now', turned to me and said 'coming?' I looked at Mrs. Dobbs, old, cranky, burning a hole in my forehead, then looked back at Joe, who had put on 30 pounds of muscle since I had met him during the summer, and seemed to be a much angrier kid. The entire class held it's collective breath, waiting for my decision. I had forgotten that I was even on the team, so it took me time to process the power I finally had to actually walk out in the middle of English class. The indecision alone angered him (of course it could have been the steroids, who knows?). He 'pshawed' me, then left. Enjoying the power I suddenly had I sauntered out of the classroom after him, soaking it in. I ended up getting a C- in English, and never played in a game that wasn't garbage time. That was pretty much the end of my football career. Joe Player went on to start on the varsity squad two years of high school, and went on to start in college, after which he faded into obscurity, like the rest of us.

Of course, who knows, maybe Joe got drafted, or played in the pros undrafted. Maybe he got on a practice squad somewhere. Most likely, though, Joe went on to eek out an average living like the rest of us. Even so, like a handful of the star players on our high school football team, and those few who made it to the college level, school life was good. Joe got to leave class when football dictated, he was passed with the help of the football coaches, who taught classes such as Science and Math (yes, the kicking coach was a science and math teacher), Woodshop, Health, and Driver's Ed. Tutors were provided for tougher classes, and when desperation kicked in, there was always help in the form of paying for papers and test answer keys. Time was taken aside from classes to have pep rallies, cheerleaders and the dance troupe would give out flyers for the weekend games asking for support, and when Friday night came, the stage was owned by the football team. On friday nights many of the very students bullied by them throughout the week played in the band during the game to root them on. The varsity QB of our team was Homecoming and Prom king, and student-body vice president. When you passed the high school commons area, there they were, the king and his entourage. When they won, they were heroes for a week, when they lost, they were patted on the back with a 'we'll get 'em next time!'. When our school made it to the State Championship, we were let out of school for an entire day, and bussed 45 minutes to witness the event. This is not speculation, but rather my first hand experience of what I experienced and saw. If this is the treatment and attention kids that don't make it past high school glory get, is it a shocking surprise that college and pro stars get money, cars, houses, other gifts, and turned heads when they act out and break the law throughout their lives? Is it any wonder that a professional athlete gets a shortened jail time, or 6 chances for breaking the law instead of 1 or 2 that the average person gets?

No wonder then, American culture and society has a huge problem with pro athletes and their own self-destruction via character issues, drugs and lawlessness. Just look at Ryan Leaf, former QB for the Washington State Cougars, who took his team to the brink of victory in the 1998 Rose bowl (he was one play short of a game winning drive and played impressively throughout). That game alone catapulted him up to #1 or 2 in the draft. Unfortunately, it also showed us exactly how ugly 'letting it go to your head' can be. I'm guessing between his Washington State coaches, his top notch agent, his manager, his press consultant, and dozens of other 'yes men', he started to think he really was the greatest QB ever to grace a football field. Problem is, where can you go but down when you're that high? He trash talked veteran SD Chargers' teammates, skipped mandatory symposiums, showed up late to team meetings and practices, fought with coaches and teammates, yelled at the press and even started fights with fans in the stands. He won his first two games as a rookie, then fell long and hard, only winning 2 more games in 21 more tries, ending his career three years later with a total of 4 wins, 3,666 yards, 14 TDs and 36 INTs in 25 games and a dismal career passer rating of 50. And yet the same people who built Leaf up, allowing him to skate by while he acted like an ego-maniacal moron, were the first to turn their backs on him. But weren't there signs along the way? In pee-wee? High school? College? It's not a stretch to suspect that his character issues didn't develop overnight after he was drafted by the NFL.

Leaf has been cited in 553 pages worth of ESPN articles, most of them relating to NFL draft bust status as a cautionary tale. But this didn't start with Leaf and it doesn't end with Leaf. Leaf is not alone on this tree, he's not even alone on this branch. Dating back to Ty Cobbs and up to Arod and Manny (baseball), Len Bias to Latrell Sprewell (basketball), Mike Tyson (boxing), Adam "Pacman" Jones to Michael Vick to Matt Jones (football), Michael Waltrip (Nascar), even John Daly (golf) and dozens of others in between, a lifetime of preferential treatment has led to a variety of character issues. Drug abuse, gambling, domestic violence, illegal firearms, manslaughter, DUIs, rape, the list of offenders and their offenses is mind-boggling and long. We've seen the gamut of self-destructive behavior in every major sport, and we hear the complaints and warnings frequently. The problem is, it seems to be getting worse, not better. With every year, we see higher TV ratings, higher sporting arena attendance, baseballs & other signed memorabilia being sold for more money on Ebay, greedy over-bearing agents, not to mention the lines in Vegas, which introduce a whole new level of ugliness in sports. Sports were created to be entertaining to the people who play them. They were played to entertain others. Sports taught us about leadership, working together, sportsmanship, preparation, tenacity, and failure. At it's core, the original intent was about the joy and celebration of physical accomplishment. Somewhere along the line, though, we lost our integrity and values, both as fans and athletes. It's become almost exclusively about money, championships and individual stats. For fans, it's who can get that signed jersey, who can catch that home run ball, who can get the most on Ebay for both. There is no 'I' in team, but there are plenty of 'mes'

All that said, I don't have a solution. I still love sports. I'll still pay for a $20 nosebleed section seat at the new Citifield in Flushing, and try not to dwell on who or who may not be taking performance enhancers. I'll still watch the NFL in September, and try not to wonder if it was Cutler or McDaniel's fault that my Denver Broncos traded away a franchise QB with amazing potential. And I'll still follow my Utah Jazz when the 2009-10 NBA season starts, and try to believe that no other refs are deciding games based on a gambling addiction or big city teams. And at the end of the season, when my team(s) don't get into the playoffs or win a championship, I will try to remember the original intent, purity and joy of sports. But right now, after hearing about yet another implosion of a young former pro athlete and his meteoric descent, I can't help but wonder how many other Leafs are on this tree.

Chad Johnson No More

2008-08-30T12:25:00.002-04:00

Chad Johnson, star wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals has officially released the news that he has legally changed his name. "It's something I don't think anyone has ever done before," said a proud Chad in front of his locker in a shoulder harness. "I mean, to change your name, it's unpresidented, isn't it?"

His new full name? Chad Javon Ocho Cinco Ima Dumas. When asked why he also added 'Ima Dumas' to the name, he told the story of how his coach, Marvin Lewis, told him he should add that to the end of 'Ocho Cinco' if he was actually going to go through with it. "It had a really nice ring to it, kind of french like, so I thought, 'what the heck'? It's been great, people have really taken a shine to it. Now, people have this huge grin on their face when they say my full name, almost like they're going to bust out laughing."

"But Chad, why do this legally? What's the point?" I asked, trying to understand.

"What's the point?" Chad repeated with a blank stare on his face, pausing for several seconds and looking off into the distance.

Shrugging after a few minutes, he said, "Why is trampoline an olympic event?"
"Seriously though, I could have gotten the gold, silver and copper in that event if I'd gone. I know a bunch of guys in my neighborhood that would blow those skinny little chicks away on the trampoline."

"Ok CJOCID...thanks for the time," I told him.

Specter Cleaning House

2008-02-15T13:32:00.005-05:00

Arlen Specter, the Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, is tired of the corruption in the professional sports, and he's bound and determined to clean it up starting with the NFL. Following close on the heels of his latest promise to further investigate NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's actions regarding 'Spygate', he rolled out a few more issues he'd like to investigate which have no actual bearing on anything of importance today.

"Well, I've always dreamed of having my own congressional hearings in order to prove my self worth, so I guess my dream is finally coming true. Little late in life, but better late then never, right? Besides Spygate, I'd like to look into the December 3rd Monday Night game the Pats played against the Ravens, where refs clearly decided the game to protect their perfect record. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who sees that these games are fixed? I'm also still pretty steamed about that damned 'tuck' rule when the Pats beat the Raiders in the playoffs back in 2001. Tom Brady fumbled that ball, everybody knows it. I plan to track down each and every one of the players, coaches, and referees, even the fans if need be, that participated in that game, because I'm sure there was some 'funny business' going on," said a rageful Specter.

He started to get red-faced, spluttering about how the Mets got Johann Santana in a crooked deal, asking why the 76ers gave up AI for 'a bunch of nobodies from the state of Denver' last year, and how the 76ers were robbed in the 2001 NBA finals against the Lakers, railing off a list of supposed conspiracies against Pennsylvania-based teams dating back to the 50s.

When Roger Goodell was asked to respond to Mr. Specter's allegations, he responded soberly. "I'm happy to meet with Mr. Specter on any and all of these issues any time he'd like and for however long he'd like." Then, thinking that he had cleared the microphones of reporters, was quoted as saying, "Yeah, and we'll spend the next 15 years talking about why all of his crappy Pennsylvania teams suck and can't get near a championship. That guy needs to get a life or get laid or something. This is exactly why I'm voting Democrat this year."

Several hours later, when Mr. Goodell was asked about his comments, he simply replied with a straight face, "I'd be happy to sit down with you later and discuss the details of this issue for as long as you'd like."

Roddick Feeling Good about US Open So Far

2007-09-04T11:25:00.000-04:00

As he peered off into the distance, Andy Roddick knew his destiny faced him. Getting into the quarterfinals of the 2007 Tennis US Open was no easy task. He had to play 2 whole matches against unranked players while two opponents retired early on him in four rounds before getting another shot at long time nemesis Roger Federer. Game on.

"I think it's great," said a somber Andy Roddick. "This rivalry has shaped into a real fun matchup for the fans, and it's always a challenge for us too. I would love to have faced him in the final, because frankly, I don't get to many grand slam finals these days, but it's nice to be in the quarters."

When reminded that he is 1-13 lifetime against Federer, Roddick shook his head and laughed, replying, "Hey, you can't win 'em all, can you? I would say that makes me due for a win, wouldn't you?"

"Look, I'm really excited about it. Well, and nervous. I'm excited and nervous, all at the same time. Excited because I got this far in a major tournament again, nervous that it will end here. The way things have been going for me, though, maybe Roger will break his leg or rupture an achilles tendon before tomorrow night's match, you never know. I think that would guarantee me a spot in the semis, don't you?"

"Ya," said Roger Federer, "Maybe Andy...but I wouldn't count on it."

Oh, And By The Way

2007-08-15T15:17:00.000-04:00

Well, the wife and I are trying to buy our own place in Brooklyn, and as a result of that, along with a slight change in job responsibilities at work, I've been unable to keep up with the blog. Slightly breaking with the tradition of using humor as a way of looking at the latest sports news, I've decided to write an entry on a more sobering subject.

ESPN writer Wright Thompson posted a rather exclusive and lengthy story last week about the Michael Vick dog-fighting case that I'm sure everybody has heard more than enough about. The reason this article sparked such a reaction in me was the racial angle Mr. Thompson chose to focus on. An angle, I think, that has no place in this case. As a life-long animal lover (in particular, dogs) and a life-long sports fan, I would like to comment on this particular article, because of my passion and love for both. Oh, and by the way, Wright Thompson is a white man.

First off, let me say that I do not have any personal feelings towards Michael Vick as a person, or even a football player for that matter. I find him to be fantastically athletic, but I can't say I've been really all that impressed with what he's done in his NFL career thus far. He's just not very interesting to me. That said, I think the evidence found at the house he owns is more than a little suspicious. It's like the question of whether OJ Simpson was guilty of murder or not. Quite simply, does an innocent man evade police custody in a Chevy Blazer on the freeways of LA for hours on end? Probably not. There is sufficient evidence in that alone to be skeptical. The same is true of the mounds of evidence found at Vick's house. This was never a question of race to me. If this had been Peyton Manning or Robert Blake, I would have the same disgusted feelings. Oh, and by the way, has anybody suggested that Blake's presumed guilt (he got off the murder rap as well, but quickly lost a civil suit just as OJ did, filing for bankruptcy afterwards) has anything to do with the fact that he's Italian-American? Old? An actor? I'm going to say no. But I digress.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe in our court system, and I am not going to call for him to be thrown in prison without his court date like some. But Vick needs to explain why a house he owns had dog fighting equipment and carcasses of pit bulls on the premises. Oh, and by the way, explain the dozens (50 to be exact) of beaten up pit bulls in cages. Oh, and by the way, explain why anonymous 'friends' and 'associates' are coming forward and telling the press about how Vick was a party to hanging, shooting, drowning, electrocuting, and dashing dogs in pain against a wall after losing a fight. Oh, and by the way, these same associates claim he's a huge player in gambling on these fights, spending upwards of tens of thousands of dollars on one fight. Oh, and by the way, explain why a superstar making millions of dollars to play a sport needs to breed pit bulls. Sorry, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...well, you get the point.

Let's not forget folks, this is the same man who was accused of giving a woman an STD under the alias "Ron Mexico". Oh, and by the way, this is the same guy who was stopped at an airport for having a 'hidden compartment' in a water bottle (settled out of court...hmmm, wonder why he would settle if innocent of any wrong-doing?). Oh, and by the way, this was the same guy who flipped off fans after a frustrating and disappointing season for the Falcons. Are we really going to assert that he has absolutely no questions about his character because he's athletic and does occasional charity work? This man is a millionaire superstar in the most thriving sport in America. He also happens to be black. There is no correlation there. If there is, it's worked to his advantage. Please, spare me the pity because of the color of his skin. What people should be outraged about is not the color of his skin, but the color of the money that is going to get him a minimum sentence in this case even with a conviction.

Speaking of convictions, before you get all teary-eyed and worried that poor Michael Vick will spend the rest of his life in prison if he does get a guilty verdict, let's look at the maximum (that's right folks, the worst) sentence he can get. Five years in prison, and a maximum of $250,000 in fines. Oh, and by the way, when was the last time you saw a celebrity get the maximum punishment for a first time offense? Heck, for a 5th time offense? So while all these football players, coaches, and personnel are coming to Vick's side to tell the world what a great guy he is, they are missing the point that while Vick is innocent until proven guilty, it doesn't make him automatically innocent just because he's 'such a nice guy' and that it's hard to believe a 'nice guy' would do such terrible things. Oh, and by the way, is there any question that lots of money and a team of good lawyers can get a guilty person out of hot water in this country? Let's not be naive.

But back to the question of whether this has anything to do with race. You'll have to excuse me, I'm really irritated by this, but what in thee hell does the racial history of Atlanta have to do with the problem of the corrupt and criminal world of underground dogfighting? These issues aren't even in the same ballpark. They're not even in the same zip code. This is a societal issue. This isn't about color. It's not about civil rights. And frankly, as an American who hails from a long line of mixed race ancestry, I am offended and insulted that anybody (black, white, or otherwise) would make this about race. That is as short-sighted as Steven A. Smith saying that it was not as bad for Tim Hardaway to say he 'hates gays" as it was for Don Imus to say "nappy-headed hoes". Hate is hate folks, it has no color. The same is true of violence. Whether it is towards a defenseless animal or a fellow human being, killing is killing. This is about animal abuse, pure and simple. Oh, and by the way, Michael Vick isn't even from Atlanta, he's from Virginia, which is a far cry from the deep south.

I think racial awareness is a good thing in this country. I think conversations about race, even heated ones, on the subject are healthy as well (so long as there are no punches or names thrown). I think 'judging people by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin' is one of the most perfect quotes ever penned. I'm not suggesting that race relations aren't still a problem in America. But why in 2007 am I still hearing idiots like Steben A. Smith go off about how hatred towards gays is not a fair comparison to racism? Oh, and by the way, I don't think Steven A. Smith is an idiot because he's black, I think he's an idiot because he says really stupid things. Oh, and by the way, I don't like Chris Broussard because he's black. I like him because he wrote one of the best sports articles I've ever read.

The problem here is perspective. On one hand, you have a big city full of football fans, many of them black. In any case, full of fans with hopes of someday winning a championship. Numerous psychology and sociology experiments have been conducted on the phenomina of 'reflected glory.' So now their hero, their star, their savior is unable to fulfill those wishes. His personal fall is the fall of the team is the fall of the city, etc. You get the psychological ramifications. It's hard to separate those hopes and wanting Michael Vick to be innocent from his actual innocence. On the other hand, this is a community where racism on both sides continues to be worse than in other parts of the country. There's a pre-conceived notion that if this happened to Brett Favre, or any other white athlete, that this news wouldn't be as big. But really, what exactly do we base that on? This whole case is unprecendented, just like the Tim Donaghy mess. Oh, and by the way, Donaghy is white and it looks like they'll throw the book at him. Vick hasn't spent one day in court on trial thus far, much less jail. He hasn't been fined any amount of money. His pay hasn't been suspended by the Falcons or the NFL. Sure, he lost all of his endorsements, but that's icing on his financial cake, and even if he is innocent, he put himself in this position. He chose his friends and associates unwisely. That has nothing to do with being black or white, it has to do with the choices you make and the company you keep. Oh, and by the way, he's probably got the best lawyers money can buy. Oh, and by the way, he's filthy rich and famous. Oh, and by the way, when was the last time a celebrity got the maximum sentence on a first time offense? So how exactly is Michael Vick being treated unfairly because of the color of his skin? Being suspected of an illegal activity in this country isn't that one-sided anymore. It may be at times, but certainly not towards celebrity, black or white. Money may be green, but really, beyond that it has no color.

However, let's get back to the original subject at hand, the unfortunate problem that is unfairly getting lost in this argument. The relationship between the canine species and ours may be the longest and closest partnership of any two species on the planet. Dogs are no longer considered just property. They are not just willing partners in the hunt. They have become family. They sleep in our beds, and lay on our couches. They protect us. They love us unconditionally. And they will do anything to keep us happy. As I write this, I can look at my desktop and see my two Boston Terriers, Mugsy and Mickey. I think about my childhood dog, Tara. I am reminded of all the good and bad things I've seen towards animals in my life. Above all else, I am grateful for the enrichment their presence has given to my life. No amount of love for sports can overshadow that.

While I'd like to believe that Michael Vick isn't capable of doing what he is accused of doing, something deep inside tells me he is. Something deep inside tells me we all are, in large part due to the lack of punishment for the crime of animal abuse in this country. And that deeply saddens me, because it's a commentary on our society as civilized human beings, and how we still have a long way to go on that front. The federal government doesn't write up a 19 page indictment unless they really have serious evidence. And if he is guilty, the book should be thrown at him. Not as an example. Not because he's black. But because he has done unspeakable things to defenseless living creatures. Juanita Abernathy says in Thompson's article in the first paragraph, "We place dogs above human beings, and there's something wrong with that picture." To me, there is something intrinsically wrong with that statement and train of thought, and I am saddened that a woman who has been through so much in her own personal life can be so short-sighted on this issue. Life is life, and to say that killing a dog is not as bad as killing a human is just ignorance. If anything, it's worse, because a dog can't defend itself, a human can. The laws obviously protect humans more than animals. Animals have little to no protection, even under their owner's watch. That is exactly what this whole case is about. And this is what animal rights activists like myself are fighting for. Oh, and by the way, if Michael Vick never plays another game in his life and spends a year or two in jail, he will still be financially set for several lifetimes.

My biggest issue with this whole thing is that there are so many people rushing to Vick's defense because of how he was raised. "He grew up on the rough streets of Newport News, VA, he came from a poor family and grew up with a rough crowd, etc." And while I understand this is a symptom and a reason why many professional black athletes can't handle the large amounts of money and the lifestyle, I can't condone it being used as an allowance. We have to draw the line somewhere. That's searching for the problems, not searching for possible solutions. We need solutions, we know the problems.

This was an article full of fantastic information. It brought up poignant questions, and interesting arguments. But, I'm sorry, pair this with Hammerin' Hank Aaron's 74th birthday during Black History Month next year, not for Michael Vick's indictment on criminal charges by the federal government. All this article gives me is a handful of black activists who keep claiming Vick is being targeted because he's black, and that those that have met him can't believe he would do something so horrible. So many people are assuming he's innocent because they've met him, and guess what? He's nice! How could somebody that appears nice do such horrible things? Isn't that as bad as the animal rights activists who are assuming he's guilty because of the evidence reported by the press? This is no conspiracy. I understand the victory black people felt when OJ got off. I understand the frustration that even today, black people get far greater sentences for the same crime as do their white counterparts. Oh, and by the way, I do think that race is still a huge problem in this country. But Michael Vick is exactly what's wrong with professional sports and celebrity in this country. Sports celebrities (and celebrities in general) in America are put on such a pedestal, that even they start to believe they are above everything. But OJ (and possibly Vick) winning these legal battles does not undo 400 years of slavery and racism. Money and fame will get you almost anything in 2007 America, no matter what shade your skin is. Oh, and by the way, he could still plead guilty and settle out of court, never spending a day in a courtroom or in jail, and paying a small portion of the $250,000 fine. And oh, by the way, compared to what he's made in endorsements alone (not to mention millions to play in the NFL), a fine that pales in comparison even at its maximum.

Pujols Pissed

2007-06-28T10:54:00.000-04:00

It was a wet and soggy dugout. The fans had cleared the stands, and the players had retired to their clubhouses. Even the umps had gone home. But there, in the visitor's dugout, sat a sweating Albert Pujols, sitting on his hands and shaking his head in dismay.

At one point, he went back out onto the field, demanding to grounds crew personnel to get the umps and players back out on the field so the Cards would have a chance to get back in the game. "It's not raining that hard, come on let's go, a little water never hurt nobody," Pujols said as rain pelted down, blinding him as he spit water-filled words out. But the game had been called, and he was told to go back to his hotel.

"It ain't fair man. They didn't really beat us, so it don't count in my record book. I said it last year, and I'll say it again...he [Glavine] ain't that good," said an angry Pujols. "MLB might count this in the standings, but I don't."

In a 2-0 loss that ended with a rain-out after 5 1/2 innings, Glavine gave up only 1 hit and seemed back to top form after mightily struggling his last few games. Pujols still thought he sucked, calling him a '50 year old chump'.

"That whole team sucks, man, they just been lucky. OK, so they got a better record than us...and better players...and less injuries, but other than that, they suck. We're the world champions!" continued Pujols.

It was late, and the press wanted to get home, but Pujols had other plans. In a desperate attempt to be heard, and to get the game underway again, he tried to barracade the exit so the press would be stuck at Shea Stadium. However, in his rage, he got confused and blocked the wrong door, locking a janitor in the closet for 30 minutes as the press snuck out the main door.

Pujols will try to help his Cards to a split this four game series against the Mets tonight when Wainwright takes the mound, facing El Duque. He should be plenty ready at the plate, as he took a 10 hour batting practice after releasing the janitor and has been on the field ever since, working on post home run bat flips and base rounding celebrations, including a chest pounding routine that he promises will 'thrill even the stupid New York fans'.

Kobe Rumored To Be Part of 20 Team Trade

2007-06-27T09:29:00.000-04:00

In a trade that would include a record setting 20 teams, the LA Lakers would be able to keep their superstar Kobe Bryant, as well as pick up Minnesota star Kevin Garnett. The Lakers would send Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum to Minnesota for KG, and the other teams would swap various players to start with a 'clean slate'. Teams rumored to be involved were LA Lakers, Minnesota, Boston, Indiana, Orlando, Charlotte, Memphis, LA Clippers, Golden State, Milwaukee, Detroit, New Jersey, New York, Philadephia, Toronto, New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta and Sacramento, Washington and Houston.

The rest of the trade was too complicated to put down on paper, even for some of the teams involved, but it was certain that this would be the largest trade in American sports history.

Isiah Thomas, coach of the New York Knicks, was flashing his trademark smile at the thought. "To be honest with you, I don't know if our part of this trade makes any sense, but nothing I've done up to this point has, so at least it's consistent. Who knows, we may be worse for it, but maybe it'll all work itself out. I figure I've really got nowhere to go but up from here."

Minnesota GM Kevin McHale was also excited at the prospect, remarking that "it would just be great to get Kobe and KG together, wouldn't it?"

Boston Celtic GM and McHale's good friend Danny Ainge, along with coach Doc Rivers, claimed that after not getting the #1 pick in this year's draft, they had given up on their dreams for Boston, and hoped that somebody else could get a really good team together. "I'm not in this trade for us, really, because that ship has sailed," said Ainge. "So, let's make somebody else's wishes come true."

Utah GM Kevin O' Connor said the Jazz begged to get into the mix, but that even though some teams would be interested in a few Jazz players, no other decent players were willing to play in Utah.

"I think, ultimately, all of us would like to be a small part of making Kobe happy and keeping him in LA," said coach Doc Rivers. "I mean, we've all gotta pitch in and do what it takes to keep him there, because he's become synonomous with LA., like Nicholson. If we could get him another ring, that would just be icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned."

Calvin Johnson Is The Answer

2007-06-26T15:40:00.000-04:00

Detroit Lions starting QB Jon Kitna sat with his arms behind his head and his feet propped up, as he took a bubble-bath in the Lions facility Tuesday morning while holding a press conference.

"I think you all know why I invited you here," said a cocky Kitna, a huge grin on his face. "In March, I predicted this team would win 10 games, but I'd like to rescind that. I was wrong. We aren't going to win 10 games, we're going to win...you ready for this? We're going to win...MORE than ten games. WOOHOO!"

Jon then jumped up and started doing what could only be described as some sort of non-rhythmical, chicken scratch jig. Fortunately, there was bubble bath covering most of his body, but it was not a pretty picture. After sitting back down because he almost slipped, he continued.

"I had a record year last year. Over 4,200 yards, 21 TDs, 62% completion rate, and that was with nobody receivers. Now, with Calvin Johnson here, we are going to take over the world--"

A reporter cut in, "What about the 22 interceptions you had, or the 79.9 subpar QB rating? Those are horrible numbers"

The smile went away from Kitna's face. 'You think you can do better, you four-eyed...four eyes! I still got more TDs than interceptions, why you pissin' in my Cheerios man? Dangit, now I lost my train of thought...where was I? Oh, Calvin Johnson...This guy is like...a god. He's just going to make me better. The best part? If I start sucking again, I can just call an audible that puts him in the backfield, give him the ball and let him take the fall. After all, he's SUPPOSED to be good, right?"

Then a reporter started to press, asking Kitna exactly how many games over 10 they'll win. Kitna seemed stumped for a moment, counting on both hands the number of games he thought they had this season.

"Well, let's see, we play some scrimmages in camp, then the pre-season is 4, then there's regular season, playoffs...(long pause). Ummm...we'll I ain't no mathmetician, but I know we can win at least half of those games. I know we're gonna win all our scrimmages, and maybe some pre-season games, that's about 14, 15, ain't it?"

Knicks To Send 10 Players To LA For Kobe

2007-06-21T11:14:00.001-04:00

In the biggest blockbuster trade in NBA history, the New York Knicks have proposed to trade away 66% of their team to land Kobe Bryant from the Lakers. The deal for the highly sought superstar would send Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Eddy Curry, Nate Robinson, Jamal Crawford, Quentin Richardson, Malik Rose, Channing Frye, David Lee, Kelvin Cato, and an unrestricted first round draft pick to LA for Bryant.

"We're very excited about this, and just pray that it will go through. Sure, we'll only have 6 guys left on our team, but last I check, only 5 guys can be on the floor at the same time anyway," said a beaming Isiah Thomas, head coach of the Knicks.

He was then asked if it was a fair trade, citing that the players they have left on the roster are bench players, and not very good ones at that.

"And you think the starters we're getting rid of are good?" scoffed Thomas, obviously offended at the suggestion that this might be an incompetent move. "Look, all these guys we're getting rid of, they're all selfish guys who just want to throw the rock up constantly. They're all me guys, and I'm tired of it. I want a guy who is going to help us win a game or two. And with the money we're freeing up, we can give Kobe more. He's already amazing. If he's making more money, he's gotta play even better, right?"

Laker's GM Mitch Kupchak was insulted by the trade offer, claiming that they should get the Knicks' entire roster, as well as 2 more 1st round draft picks.

"This is ridiculous to even suggest. We are giving up our superstar, the biggest superstar in the league, in his prime. He is basically our entire team. Why should we only get 66% of their team, when we're giving them 99% of ours? It just doesn't make sense. Sure, we'll probably just dump the really crappy players anyway because we can't have 25 guys on the roster, but it's the principle of the thing. Plus, we need some assurances for our future, and we just don't get that with one unrestricted first round draft pick. It's just not fair."

Isiah Thomas disagreed, but admitted that he is open to negotiating the deal, anything to get Kobe Bryant in a Knicks uniform.

"I understand that this first idea may be shot down, most of my ideas usually are. And I am willing to give up other guys too. I mean, I'll draft some guys from the streets if I have to, I'll even suit up again myself, I want Kobe that bad. One of my moves has to work at some point, right? Right?"

Tiger's Cub Lands Endorsement With Titleist

2007-06-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

At only 3 days of age, Sam Alexis Woods has become the youngest athlete in any sport to land a long term sponsorship deal with any company before even picking up a club. Titleist was very excited to announce the deal, which is worth a record $500 million over 30 years. The deal will include bonus incentives if she does well on the golf course as a player, a lifetime supply of golf balls, clubs, and apparel, as well as a free ride to Stanford University.

"We're just ecstatic we were able to pound out this deal in such a short amount of time, but it was important to get her career underway. By the time she's 17, she should be able is easily beat an aging 34 year old Michelle Wie," said a Titleist spokesman. "Everybody was going after this young superstar so agressively, Nike, GM, and American Express, not to mention Callaway and Kempter. We just feel blessed to have gotten her. If you ask me, we got off cheap with only $500 million. But she really is the future. Look at her dad, what's his name. I mean, the guy is washed up. You see his last tourney? Got beat by a chainsmoker nicknamed 'the duck'. Stick a fork in the guy, he's done."

Proud parents Tiger and Elin were ecstatic, especially about the free education.

"To have a full ride scholarship to Stanford at 3 days old, that's impressive. It's eclipsed anything I've ever done. Guess old dad really is washed up," laughed Tiger. "No, but seriously, with the way education prices are rising, it's really a relief to know that her college education will be taken care of. You never know in this world, even with all my millions of dollars that should last 15 generations worth of Woods. Shoot, I may just retire and live off her now."

Nike, GM and American Express all plan to get in the mix, but each company has suggested it might be more prudent to wait until the young lady has matured a little before signing her to a long-term endorsement deal. She should have extensive contracts with all of them by the time she's 6 months of age. Nike plans to put her in sporty baby apparel, while GM plans to do safety ads showing how safe a GM is for a baby even without a car seat. American Express hasn't decided what their angle will be yet, but suggested it would be something about never being 'too young' to build your credit.

Jerry Buss Surprised Kobe's Upset

2007-06-20T10:08:00.001-04:00

Jerry Buss, the 74 year old owner of the Los Angeles Lakers, was caught outside a shopping mall earlier today, doing a mock video interview with his camera cell phone. After a closer look, he appeared to be getting footage of a car tire, instead of himself, obviously confused about how the phone works and where the camera lens is. When we asked him about the latest developments on Kobe Bryant's apparent desire to be traded, Jerry Buss was surprised, confused, then surprised again.

"Kobe's unhappy? I had no idea. When did this start? Man, I'm the last to find out everything," said Buss, slurring his words and chuckling to himself while continuing to play with his cell phone. "You know, it's amazing, this little thing can videotape stuff. I remember growing up and seeing these huge cameras that would only take a few minutes of footage. Now, you can do a whole movie on one of these little cameraphones, it's amazing." Then Buss started to put the phone close to his face, then away, saying "I'm huge, I'm tiny, I'm huge, I'm tiny, hahaha, I love this."

Trying to get back on the subject, the interviewer then mentioned the latest Kobe drama, where he was secretly caught on video in a mall parking lot trashing members of the Laker organization in a profanity-laced tirade.

"Oh yeah? Hadn't heard about that. Sounds exciting, especially if he wasn't aware of being taped. Juicy, gotta love LA, right? You got a copy of the video? I'd love to see it. Like I said, I'm truly amazed at what these little phones can do these days. How long was it? Did he mention me? How was the camera work? Geez, I can't wait to see it now."

Buss was then asked if he had a drinking problem, referring to his DUI on May 29th of this year. He was short and succinct in his response.

"Drinking problem? No, I like to drink. No problem," replied Buss.

A camera-phone recording of this interview can be purchased for $1.99 on www.jerrybusphone.com.

Tiger's Wife Gives Birth; Tiger Tired

2007-06-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

He showed up hours after she gave birth, beaming at his first newborn, Sam Alexis Woods. As Tiger and wife Elin embraced, Tiger winced in pain, still bruised and sore from the grueling 2nd place finish in the U.S. Open at Oakmont the day before.

"The rough was just brutal, and it seems to get worse every year. I don't think it's fair, because guys can get hurt. Golf is supposed to be an enjoyable sport, not a physical challenge." Tiger then pulled up the skin tight t-shirt he was wearing to show a dime-sized bruise on his right lat. "See those? It's going to take me a month or so for those to heal. How am I going to train for the British Open now?"

Elin looked on with sympathy for her brave husband, shaking her head sadly and rubbing his back. At one point, she scooted over in her hospital bad and made a spot for him, rubbing his temples and singing a lullaby to him. He fell asleep within minutes. She then got out of bed, took off his shoes, and pulled the covers over him. When asked if she was tired after giving birth, she laughed.

"A little, but not half as much as Tiger. He just works so hard," said wife Elin. "I really worry about him sometimes. All I did was squeeze something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a...well, golf ball. But what Tiger does...that's tough. Golf is a crazy sport, what if he got run over by a golf cart, or tripped on a patch of rough and broke his neck? I hate those people at Oakmont, I wish they would just make the golf course normal, instead of getting so damned cute with it. He has a daughter to think about now, he can't go to work every day worried that he won't come home. It's a battlefield these days."

Tiger stirred some, turning over to his other side and mumbling about possibly taking up smoking before the British Open.

"He's just so used to winning, and along comes this chain-smoker nicknamed 'the duck'," continued Elin. "I mean, really, how does a nobody like that steal the headlines from Tiger?"

Phillies Sweep Mets, Willie Goes Ballistic

2007-06-08T09:19:00.000-04:00

Jimmy Rollins jumped up and down in the dugout, yelling "I told you, I told you, we're gonna win it all this season, I'm a Met killa, I'm a Met killa, better watch out!" as he stomped on a small Mr. Met doll on the ground. It was the top of the ninth when Pat Burrell hit a 2-2 pitch over the wall off Billy Wagner and tied a game the Mets should have won. It went downhill from there, ending in a 6-3 loss to the Phillies that had the Mets being swept at home for the first time since September of 2005.

After great starting pitching, Maine gave up a few key hits which cost the Mets 2 runs up to the 6th inning. Then, with 2 outs in the bottom of the 6th, Delgado hit a bomb to deep right. Wright came up to the plate and hit what appeared to be a triple, until the umpires talked it over and decided that it was a home run since the ball hit the orange sign above the home run wall, an obvious call, and a good call. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel didn't think so, however, yelling at the umpires for several minutes, and coming back out to yell some more a few times.

"I just told him I didn't like his shirt. That, and I was mad at him for picking up the tab at dinner the night before. I mean, gosh dangit, I may be ugly and stupid, but I ain't broke! The other guy, I told him his eyes was pretty earlier, and he just ignored me, so I let him know I didn't appreciate that none too much," said the spluttering manager, smacking the mikes in front of him and walking out in a huff tripping over an electrical cord as he left.

Now with the game tied, LoDuca came to the plate and did something the Mets hadn't done in 18 years -- hit back to back to back home runs. He hit a solo shot off the left field wall that gave the Mets a 3-2 lead, a lead they would relinquish when Billy Wagner gave up a solo shot off Pat Burrell in the ninth. 2 runs later, the Mets were down for the count 6-3, and folded quickly on their last at bat.

Manuel's antics during the game, however, were nothing compared to Willie Randolph's post-game response, which could be characterized as an out of control temper tantrum. When asked what he thought about the game, Willie's face actually went red, and he took a big sigh, actually admitting that he was frustrated with the bullpen and how banged up his team was.

"We're just not doing well, even when we do well. When you get swept by the Braves or Boston, you can understand that, but not against the Phillies. This is just embarrassing," he said quietly, a seething storm brewing in his head. Then, after only waiting for 2 full minutes for another question, he excused himself politely. Usually, he waits a full 4-5 minutes before leaving the press.

"Yeah, I was surprised with how crazy he went," said Manny Fanny, a New York Post reporter. "He usually leaves about 4, maybe 5 full minutes for any more questions to be thought up, especially the really dumb ones, and usually we come up with one or two more. But when he said thank you after 2 minutes and just left, I was speechless. I couldn't even think. That's when we knew, he was REALLY pissed."

Donovan Claims 'Gun Was Held To Head'

2007-06-07T15:58:00.001-04:00

In a startling admission, Florida Gator coach Billy Donovan admitted in his tell-all autobiography, released this morning, that Orlando front office officials and their lawyers held a gun to his head and forced him to sign a contract for $27.5 million to coach the Orlando Magic.

None of Orlando's front office could be contacted for comment, but an unnamed spokesman claimed that was preposterous, saying he doesn't recall what they held to his head, but that it wasn't a gun.

This comes 2 days after Orlando let him out of his contract with the stipulation that he not coach in the NBA for the next five years.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was relieved they did that, because Florida held a gun to my head for a new contract, that just happened to be for the next 6 years. So...it worked out well."

When asked if there was any other reason (besides the gun to his head) for backing out of the contract, he said, "Well, this is kinda funny, but in all the excitement and craziness, I forgot to run the job by my wife, who was furious with me when I told her I accepted the job. She then held a gun to my head and made me agree to get out of it any way possible. Boy, I tell ya, three guns to my head in as many days, I've had enough of contracts, hahaha!"

Sheffield Surprised By Reaction

2007-06-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

Gary Sheffield lets his playing do the talking these days...for the most part. After comments in a GQ interview, the Tiger's outfielder responded with surprise.

"I don't know what the big deal is. They asked me a question. I answered the question. I didn't think about it, I just answered. Yeah, I'm paid millions of dollars to play a sport where everything is taken out of context, but I'm surprised people are paying so much attention to it."

When asked if he was derogatory or racist toward latino players, Sheff replied, "Absolutely not. Just because they can't speak no proper English don't mean I ain't down with them."

Teammate Carlos Guillen confirmed this, saying, "Gary is right, we take all the abuse baseball dishes out to us, because we're afraid to get sent back home. Black players tell guys to bleep off because they've been stuck in this country from day one. I don't think Gary's racist. In fact, just the other day, Sheff was slapping me around, laughing in my face, calling me a stupid spic, but that's just razzing from a teammate. He doesn't dislike me, he just dislikes my race, so no, I don't think he's racist."

Gary Sheffield concluded by saying, "Look, we in America, last I checked, the language is American, so you can spin it any way you want, but the bottom line is, I ain't playin' baseball with other brothers because we don't take no s#@! like them wetbacks do. They use them because they can send 'em back to the hellhole they came from if they step outta line, but they gotta treat me like a man."

Culpepper Refuses To Leave Miami; Tapes Self to Locker

2007-06-06T12:44:00.000-04:00

When Miami Dolphin's QB Daunte Culpepper was told in a morning workout session that the team would be going in "another direction" without him, he responded to coach Cam Cameron with the following remark.

"No," said Daunte Culpepper.

Cam Cameron was confused by Culpepper's reaction, unsure of what to say next as Daunte stood in front of him and stared into his eyes.

"I've never had a player tell me no. Just like that, 'no'. I mean, he really has no choice, but obviously he's unaware of that, so how do you respond? I guess he still thinks he's a Fin, even though we've already cleared out his locker and thrown away anything with his name on it."

As pre-season workouts progressed at the Dolphin's complex, coaches and teammates were instructed to ignore Culpepper, pretending that he wasn't even there. Backup QB John Beck, who was a second round draft pick out of BYU, acted as QB while Culpepper hounded coach Cameron, repeating the phrases, "Put me in coach, come on," "I won't let you down" and "just give me a chance." When he continued to be ignored, he ran out onto the field, started crawling on the ground like a soldier, then pulled a yellow weighted referee flag out of his back pocket, miming a granade pin pull and throw as coaches and teammates looked on in disbelief.

Running back Ronnie Brown just stood there shaking his head, finally saying, "This is just sad. I've seen guys break bones, throw up and pass out, get hit so hard they forget their own name, but nothing this ugly."

Culpepper, who is his own agent, then started talking about himself in the third person, saying things like "My client is a great QB, he doesn't have to prove himself to anybody," and "My client is not interested in a trade. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt." Culpepper would then run up to different coaches and say, "Don't listen to him, he's crazy. I know I'm not very good, but I've got heart, let me at least compete for the job, and if Trent wins, I'll be the Gatorade guy. Anything to stay in Miami, please. You don't even have to pay me, I'll do it for free."

When the coaches and players continued to ignore him, Daunte went into the locker room and duct taped himself to his old locker (now Trent Green's locker), a feat he accomplished with help from a team janitor. Unfortunately, the employee was an older man with poor eyesight, so by the time the team came in from practice, Culpepper had fallen to the ground in a heap of duct tape, sobbing silently and stopping long enough to say, "A little help? Please?"

Giants To Make Drinking In Clubhouse Mandatory

2007-06-01T14:10:00.000-04:00

After the Mets beat the Giants 4-2 Thursday night to win the 3 game series, blanking Bonds, the Giants are considering making drinking in the clubhouse mandatory. Giants manager Bruce Bochy made the following statement at a press conference.

"St. Louis banned alcohol in their clubhouse almost a month ago, considering banning it on the road as well. Other teams have done it. The Mets, the Yankees, the Pirates. So, when you consider the Cards won the World Series last year, and you got a bunch of winning teams who all had alcohol in the clubhouse when they were winning (except for the Pirates, I don't think it matters if they drink or not, they're just bad), you can see the correlation.

Now, look at the Cards, they suck. The Yankees? Horrible. The Pirates...stinkorama. The Mets have been doing well, but there's another example of I don't think it matters if they drink or not, if you're good, you're good.

Anyway, point I'm trying to make is, we haven't been drinking and we're 2 games under .500 after paying that hack pitcher $126 million and locking him in for 7 years. Last year, we didn't drink and we ended the season 9 games under .500. Coincidence? I think not.

I think the obvious problem here is not that we have been drinking, but that we haven't been drinking, even when it was allowed. But all that's gonna change, we need to do things more as a team. Too bad we just traded 'Balkin Benitez' to Florida, I think he was already drinking without us, so he probably would have enjoyed this new requirement.

So, we'll start out on the road, since we take buses and planes everywhere and won't have to drive, and we'll start out slow. Nothing hard, just beer, wine, maybe some kamikaze shots. Then, if all goes well, we'll move on to the harder stuff and maybe even do it in the home clubhouse too. Sure, we'll get a few DUIs here and there...but that's par for the course in professional sports anyway, isn't it?"

Jazz Players Show Up For Game 6; Told To Go Home

2007-06-01T09:11:00.000-04:00

Memhet Okur and Andrei Kirilenko showed up at the Utah Jazz Training Facility Friday afternoon, prepared to practice for Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals against the Spurs when they were told to go home by a Jazz employee.

"I just told them, 'season's over, man. Vacation time. You lost in 5'...losers," said Ronny Johns, a janitor for the organization. "Maybe they should have showed up for the games when they were actually played, especially that Memhet dude. I don't know if they speak English, because they didn't seem to understand me."

Okur, who averaged just 7.2 points and 4.6 rebounds per game against the Spurs, defended himself saying that he was just starting to get hot, feeling a groove in his 3 point game that the Spurs wouldn't be able to stop. He insists that the NBA, the Spurs, and the Jazz have made a terrible mistake, that they won games 3 and 4, and that they are only down 3-2 to the Spurs.

"If you add up the points from games 3 and 4, we outscored the Spurs 188-174, so we should win both games automatically. This is part of the NBA's favoritism of the Spurs. They obviously want them in the finals. The Spurs know that I'm hot behind the arc now, and they fear me, otherwise, they would play us a few more times."

"I feel little embarrassed, I have hard time keeping track of how many games we play," laughed Kirilenko. "We just get so...spanked...by the Spurs, it seem like one big long game. I think I sleep through first two games, haha...no, seriously, I was very tire those games."

Because Okur and Kirilenko were already dressed, they decided to stay and play a quick and friendly game of 21. Neither player won because neither one could make enough shots to reach 21, so they called it a draw at 5-5 after playing for 3 hours.

"I'm glad we not play tonight, I'm tired," said an out of breath Kirilenko. "I go home now and neck to my hot wife."

Although Okur agreed to stop from fatigue, he made fun of and taunted Andrei after he entered the locker room out of earshot, saying things like, "Come on, baby, what are you, chicken? Bok, bok, look at the little chicken, he's afraid to get scored on. He feels my heat. See, they fear me, even my own teammates."

Jerry Sloan, Deron Williams, and Carlos Boozer could not be reached for comment.

Kobe Definitely Wants To Be Traded...Maybe...Nevermind

2007-05-31T08:59:00.000-04:00

Taking a page out of Brett Favre's book, Kobe Bryant has had a very busy week so far. Here's a look at his daily diary.

Monday, May 28, 2007
Dear Diary,
It's been a few years since Shaq left LA, and as much as it pains me to say it, I miss the big ogre. Even though I didn't want him here anymore, I didn't want him to go and win a championship with somebody else. Then after I got coach Jackson out of here, I missed Phil after that drunkard Rudy came and made our team really stink. It's like, he'd just show up, tell us to practice for two hours, and then disappeared until the next practice. Who knows what the guy was even doing. At least Phil stayed in the gym and watched. He didn't really have a plan or talk much, but he was there. Now, we have all these nobodies who can't score any baskets or play D, and I'm not any closer to another ring...I feel so lonely. If only they had listened to me and gotten Carlos Boozer, our problems would be solved. Or if they had gotten I think I will demand...no, suggest...that the Lakers bring Jerry West back, because I think that's the real problem. Mitch Kupchak is a sh...crappy GM, and even though Jerry has nothing to work with, I'm sure he can fix things here. Diary, I know I've been a selfish guy who thought he could do it alone, but I can't. I'm man enough to say that. Thanks for listening, you're my only friend.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Dear Diary,
I'm SO excited! ESPN's Marc Stein wrote that Jermaine O'Neal might be coming to LA in his blog!!! I don't know if it's true, but if it is, I can't believe it! I feel like I might be dreaming. He also mentioned Jason Kidd and Kevin Garnett. I didn't read the particulars, but just seeing those names mentioned with mine, can you imagine? I can. I can see it now. Jason Kidd, point guard, yours truly, shooting guard, whoever at the 3 spot, KG at power forward, and O'Neal at center. Oh man, I think I might cry. Don't know if you remember, diary, but Jermaine and I were drafted during the same year, and we've become good friends. Of course, if he comes here and doesn't help me win, he's gone, but for now, he's a good friend. I think Jerry West could get this deal done, but now everybody's saying I'm demanding a trade. I better tell the newspapers one more time that I didn't demand a trade, it was just a suggestion. The good news is, Dick Vitale says I'm not going anywhere in his blog, so that's good. I have no idea who that guy is, but he must be somebody to have his own blog on ESPN. As always, you're the best. You understand me like no other.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007
7:00 AM
Dear Diary,
I can't believe it. I'm SO mad right now. I heard from a cousin of the guy who's the brother of the dude that sells jerseys at Staples Center, that I was the one who forced Shaq and Phil out of town years ago. Unbelievable. I've never heard anything so preposterous, where is this coming from? It's like somebody made up the most ridiculous story they could think of and ran to the newspapers, who immediately printed it! I never wanted Shaq to leave, I just wanted him to acknowledge and take a back seat to my brilliance. Is that so hard to understand or do? Phil too, he kept flashing all of his championship rings in front of my face, saying, "Hey Kobe, do you have one for each finger? I have no idea what I'm going to do with an 11th ring...maybe wear it on a chain around my neck?" I got sick of sharing the spotlight with them, why should I? I'm the best ever, right? Anyway, I'm about to go do a radio interview with some guy in New York. Small potatoes, so I'll blow off some steam and tell him how I really feel, the LA press would just blow it up and make me look like the bad guy. I knew you'd believe in me diary, you always have. Thanks again.

11AM
I can't believe my agent or publicist or SOMEBODY didn't tell me lots of people listen this Steven A. Smith guy in New York! SO embarrassing! And YOU, diary. You should have told me, I thought you had my back! But I can't be mad at you, you're the only one who stands by me, through everything. OK, I'll tell you what happened. So, I went off about how the Lakers have been treating me badly, and how an 'insider' told the press about how I drove Shaq and Phil out of town, which wasn't true. And this guy even said Shaq sided with me. Well, I told Smith everything, my idle threats, my anger, with the idea that nobody would ever hear any of my comments. I told that dude nothing would make me change my mind about wanting to be traded. Now, I have to backtrack and go on a bunch of radio shows here in LA and stuff so that I don't get traded. You have any idea how idiotic that makes me look? Anyway, again, thanks for always being there for me, diary. Hugs and kisses.

Thursday, May 31, 2007
Dear Diary,
I called Phil this morning. He is the best. He gave me a text message hug and also talked to me for 4 whole minutes. He told me just what I wanted to hear, that it would all work out. Man, I love that guy even if I didn't want him coaching me a few years ago. I feel even better reading that this Bomani Jones guy from ESPN thinks I'm telling the truth. And Scoop Jackson's advice about it being a business, I've never looked at it that way, but I guess he's right. It really is a business. It's so great to be defended by guys who sit around and write stuff all day, and get advice from them about things they've never done. I've never heard of either guy, but just the fact that people are coming to my defense, it feels good. Actually, I'm also just happy I'm in the spotlight again. Look at all the people who are writing stories about me around the country. I feel like a true superstar again. Now if I can just get all the things I wanted in the first place, this will all have been worth it. I love you, diary. You're MY superstar...more tomorrow.

Roddick Accused Of Juicing

2007-05-30T11:48:00.000-04:00

It all makes sense now. After blazing to the top ten of men's tennis in 2001, Andy Roddick has been anything but the expectation of what he was supposed to be by now. For the third time in as many years, Roddick has been ousted from the French Open in the first round. Looking at the latest issue of Men's Health magazine, it's easy to see why. Just weeks ago (see picture, right), a limber and lanky young man, capable of moving across the court with lightening speed, Roddick looks like he's put on 30 pounds of muscle (see picture, left), which would slow anybody down.

"He's got to be taking steroids, he owes us all an apology." said Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees. Barry Bonds declined to comment, claiming he didn't know what the sport of tennis was. Curt Schilling wrote a two page post about it on his blog, 38 pitches, but nobody could make heads or tails of what he was saying, much less had the time to read it all.

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer both agreed that it was next to impossible to gain that much muscle in a two week period of time, but also admitted that they'd never tried it, so it would be unfair of them to comment further. Federer did make a joke about the speculation however. "If he took performance-enhancing drugs, Number Three should ask for his money back, eh Raffi?" Nadal giggled for several minutes, unable to add a comment.

A spokesman from Men's Heath magazine said that he didn't see any other explanation for the sudden 'huge guns, massive neck, and defined pecs' on Roddick's thinner frame.

"We certainly didn't photoshop the pic, if that's what you're suggesting," said a defensive Richard Dumass. "We just take the pic and do the interview, maybe you should ask Andy what he's putting in his coffee."

Andy Roddick's coach, tennis legend Jimmy Connors, smirked and gave us the finger, then walked away refusing to comment. Doug Spreen, his athletic trainer said, "Just read the interview, it's all there. He talks about his impossible physical training regimen through 227 acres of mountainous terrain and wild preserve he calls "The Basin". If that doesn't bulk someone up, I don't know what will. I keep telling Andy if he doesn't slow up and pace himself on that workout regimen, he's gonna build up too much muscle. Judging from the cover, it looks like our worse fears have come true...well, that and the fact that he can't seem to beat anybody good these days."

Mets Win A Thriller; Bonds In A Pinch

2007-05-30T09:07:00.000-04:00

Throngs of reporters gathered at Shea Stadium Tuesday night, not to see the much anticipated series between the SF Giants and the Mets, but to get a glimpse of what Bill Walton would describe as 'Virtually The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived': Barry Bonds.

Much to the disappointment of the Mets faithful, Bonds wasn't in the lineup, and the chances of the home run record being broken at Shea is now slimmer. One fan put it best.

"I've been a Mets fan my whole life. Man, I paid $300 for each game this series to watch Bonds break the record here. I had my glove and the best seat and everything. I hate that bastard, but that ball is going to be my ticket out of Loserville...excuse me...Barry, BARRY! Over here, over here, I LOVE you man, you're the greatest!"

The Giants starting pitcher phenom Tim Lincecum was lights out for the first 3 innings, retiring the first round of the Met's lineup. He was also the beneficiary of solid run support, after Met's starter Oliver Perez gave up two solo home runs in the 1st inning. But Perez settled down, and Lincecum walked Beltran with two outs in the 4th. Delgado hit a 2 run shot to tie it up 2-2, making it quite the pitching duel. Then it got interesting.

Enter Bonds. Fans booed and jeered as Bonds made his first appearance in the game in the 10th inning as a pinch hitter. He was walked, then stranded, ending his chance to get closer to the home run record in Shea. Fans booed and jeered at him all night, but most who were in close proximity to the dugout begged for an autograph, soft-tossing towels, hats, balls, shoes and jerseys into the dugout with post-its that said, 'You're the best, Barry' and 'We heart Bombin' Bonds'.

"Yeah, that was pretty cool," said Bonds. "I mean, I hadn't played the whole game and I'm on the road, and to get cheered like that just felt good, even if all I got was a walk. I don't often get cheered for, even in San Francisco." Apparently, Bonds thought they were saying 'booster' and 'sweeter', instead of 'juicer' and 'cheater'. Asked if he gave any of the merchandise back to fans with an autograph, Bonds replied, "I signed the stuff, but it's mine now. It's going in the garage with the other stuff that will take care of 11 generations of Bonds. This will take care of 12 now. The Hall won't get it, MLB wont' get it, and the fans won't get it, I don't care if all of them have cancer....nobody boos me and gets something out of it."

Locked at 3-3 going into extra innings, Joe Smith came in and gave up a run in his worst outing as a Met. Down 4-3 with their last chance, Reyes then got a lead-off walk from Benetiz, then got to second on a balk call by 'Balkin' Bob Davidson, a make-up bad call to quell LoDuca's anger (LoDuca said he'd be waiting for him in the parking lot after the game, and Bob was nervous). Chavez dropped a sacrifice bunt to get Reyes over to third, but Beltran grounded out to second, keeping Reyes at third for the 2nd out. Down to their final out with Delgado at the plate, Reyes got creative. Jumping up and down at third, trying to distract Benitez, he jumped as if to steal home, then ran back, then stopped, then started again. Benetiz flinched, Carlos pointed, and the third base umpire gave him the balk call and the tying run. A cool and calm Delgado stepped back to the plate, while a rattled and emotional Benitez pitched a few balls in the same place. One swing saw Delgado hit his second homer of the game and his 42 multi-homer game of his career, propelling the Mets to a 5-4 extra innings win.

Umpire Bob Davidson spoke after the game. "Yeah, that first balk call on Benitez was BS, but I had screwed up the call against Paulie. See, what happened is that a fan was razzing me, so I gave him the flip off sign, but with the hand in elbow version. Anyway, Marsh thought I was calling a strike on him, and I couldn't admit I was making an obscene gesture, so I had to stick to my guns and call it a strike. In retrospect, I probably just should have said I had something in my eye or something like that. Well, after Paul threatened me, I got a little concerned. I didn't want to fight him, he was pretty mad, and I'm pretty old, so you do the math. Zimmer/Martinez, that's all I'm gonna say. Anyway, it all worked out, since it ended up being a pretty entertaining game. I had fun."

Reyes was impossible to interview after the game, as he was jumping up and down, dancing and singing for another hour and a half in the clubhouse while everyone else showered and left after the long night.

Utah Fans Show Their Appreciation

2007-05-29T09:15:00.000-04:00

Following their heartbreaking game 4 home loss against the Spurs, Utah fans showed their appreciation for the far superior Spurs by throwing noise-makers, empty cool-aid cups, and foamed #1 hands. The Spurs players and coaching staff, fearing for their lives, ran into the visitors' locker room, declining to do post game interviews.

"We feared for our lives," said coach Gregg Popovich. "Those Utah fans are insane. A plastic cup almost hit me in the face. I could've lost an eye."

Referee Steve Javie concurred, adding "If the fan could have actually thrown better, he might have hit me with one of his noisemakers. Fortunately, they're filled with air and it's next to impossible to get it to travel further than a few feet. Still, if that had hit me in the head, it might have messed up my hair, maybe even given me a concussion."

Tim Duncan was focusing on other things, like retribution for the past.

"Utah is the dirtiest team ever. Between John Stockton and his dirty picks, and Malone's elbows and knees, I barely made any shots."

After a confused reporter pointed out that Stockton and Malone haven't played together against Tim Duncan's Spurs since 2003, Tim Duncan replied, "I know...they're still dirty."

"All I have to say is, IN YOUR FACE, Derek Fisher! Doesn't look like you're going to score a buzzer beater on us THIS time, like in 2004! You're not on the Lakers anymore!" added Duncan. "That series should have been tied, and we should have gone to the finals that year. But I'm not dwelling on it...EAT me, Karl!"

A disgusted Utah Jazz fan that had already ran out of things to throw, pulled a container of Carmex out of her front pocket and threw it at Bruce Bowen, barely missing his leg. "God and Joseph Smith will SMITE you down, you bastard! We are good Christians who belong to the right and true church, DIE you athiest!"

Bruce Bowen later contended that the fan was aiming for his right achilles, attempting to injure him for game 5, so they would have a chance to win in San Antonio and get the series back to Utah. "These fans have always been dirty. Coaches and players have been complaining about them for years. If that doesn't tell you it's true, what does?"

When reporters asked coach Sloan how he felt about the technical calls on himself and Fisher late in the game, he got up and started crowding 3 reporters' space, flailing his arms and hands in their faces, bumping them and saying, "Hey, do you like that, that seem like a fair way to play? Look at me, my name's Manu, I'm a really great player from Argentina, look at me, I'm a hustler, I play hard-nosed D, aren't I talented?" Sloan then threw himself on the ground, acted as if he had a seizure, and got up screaming, "Charge, CHARGE, TECHNICAL!" After straightening his tie, suit and hair, he calmly continued. "But no, I think the refs did a great job. I don't think you can say calling 25 fouls on the home team, compared to 2 on the Spurs in the 4th quarter of the biggest game in the series a disparity. Nah, I wouldn't call that preferential treatment...I'm being sarcastic now, can you hear the sarcasm?" Then Sloan quickly declined to comment further because it would 'just get him into more trouble.'

Now down 1-3 and going back to San Antonio for game 5, the Utah Jazz have little chance of pushing this series to 7, much less winning. Jazz forward Kirilenko still has hope though.

"I want play 45 minutes in game. If I get 8 blocks and score 50 points, I think we win. I just hope my teammates belief in me, so I play well. They need me play well to win. I promise I show up for this game, just give me chance coach. I want prove I not weak or 'motional...I not cry, I have something in my eye!" said a defiant Kirilenko, clearing what seemed to be tears from his eyes.

King James Can't Decide

2007-05-25T11:41:00.000-04:00

A sweaty Lebron James sat in front of his locker Wednesday night surrounded by reporters after his Cleveland Cavaliers lost game 2 against the Pistons. Visibly upset, he shook his head in dismay, as reporters repeatedly rephrased the same question. Why didn't you pass it to an open man? Why take that shot? What were you thinking? Why do you think you missed?

To understand the premise of these questions, we need to go back to Monday night's game one, which had the exact same result as game 2, a 79-76 Cleveland loss. Down by two and driving to the basket, James passed the ball to an open Donyell Marshall for an open three to win the game. Marshall missed the shot, and James was rightly criticized for arrogantly trying to be like Magic Johnson.

Michael Wilbon of ESPN's PTI was exasperated, saying "WHY would you pass in that situation? What, suddenly you want to be a 'thoughtful' teammate? This isn't a team sport! It's one on one matchups, iso scoring, that's what I pay to see...if I was paying. Tony, if I see one more 'superstar' pass up an opportunity to make or miss a last minute shot, I'm going to scream...except for Stephon Marbury, that little ##### needs to give up the rock, because that boy's never seen a shot he didn't like"

Fast forward to Thursday evening. Down by one, with a chance to win with a two pointer, James drives in the lane, gets double teamed, fouled, and misses the shot, losing game 2 for his team by the same score. Now, he's being judged for trying to be too much 'like Mike'.

"It's quite clear to me," said coach Mike Brown, "that Mr. King Superstar doesn't know when to pass and when not to. He's selfish, he's not selfish, I mean, come on man, make up your mind. He needs to stop trying to be like Magic or Michael and invent a new way to win the ball game. That's what 'superstars' do. He's thinking he only has two options in that circumstance. But if he were creative, he would come up with a third."

Most analysts agree, citing that the man is 22 years old already, he should know better.

"You aren't Michael Jordan, PASS the ball!" says Jay Mariotti of ESPN's 'Around the Horn'." Woody Paige, who often disagrees with Mariotti, surprised everyone by agreeing, launching into a red-faced tirade. "Yeah, in the first game, you have to understand that you aren't Magic Johnson, you gotta take that shot. In this circumstance, you have to realize you're not Michael Jordan. You gotta PASS it! You're not either, and you never will be! When is this guy gonna learn how to play in this league? It's nauseating!"

James has taken a Tracy McGrady approach, claiming that people are right, that the losses rest squarely on his shoulders. He is going to lock himself in his walk-in closet until Game 3 and just bounce the basketball and brainstorm on new ways to win.

"People are right, this team consists of me, myself, and I, like the commercials I do. The other four guys on the team are pretty lame, so they're obviously not going to get it done. Everybody expects you to either pass, or shoot in those circumstances, but neither one of those things have worked. I need to come up with a new thing, something nobody's ever done, not even Magic or Michael. I'm done trying to impersonate past superstars. It's all on my shoulders, if we win or lose, and I think that's how it should be."

Hill Out as Magic Coach...Again

2007-05-24T09:20:00.000-04:00

The Orlando Magic have released a statement that Brian Hill has resigned or been fired as the coach of their team, they're not sure which.

"We're still investigating what happened here. Obviously, it's going to take some time to sort out. In any case, he won't be the head coach next season, although he might work for us in some other capacity, maybe as GM...unless of course he decides to hire himself as the head coach, because that would just be embarrassing," said team president Bob Vander Weide.

Brian Hill and his agent declined to comment, due to the possibility that he might be hired by Orlando again in a year or two.

Bob Vander Weide agreed that it's not inconceivable that Hill might coach Orlando again in the future.

"Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and get a decent coach for once, but if not, we can always bring Brian back a year or two down the road. I'm sure he'll be available, who else wants him? We will miss Brian, but we're gonna take a roll of the dice right now. He did have some success when he had two superstars in [Penny] Hardaway and Shaq years ago, so if we pick up any crazy stars like that in the future, we may bring him back. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Ya never know," Vander Weide added, laughing; "Maybe third time's the charm on this guy."

Elijah Dukes' Controlling Anger

2007-05-23T16:58:00.000-04:00

Toronto Blue Jay's rookie Elijah Dukes disagrees that he's got an anger problem. In response to a recent report that he threatened to kill his wife and his kids, he made the following statement:

"Yo, dawg, key word...threaten. I didn't actually kill them, I just threatened to kill them. They's a big difference. I worked really hard on anger management the past few years. I held back when she made me mad again for leavin' a cola glass on my PS3, I would say that's anger management right there. I know a lotta cats would just straight up shoot the bitch right then and there. All I did was text message her with a picture of a gun...oh, and burst into her classroom...but that wasn't until I saw she left my favorite video game on the counter and it got all scratched up. That #### ain't right, a man can only take so much."

When asked if he expects to get suspended and/or fined by MLB or the Blue Jays organization, he got irritated.

"For what? I din't do nothing! Yo, dawg, I got 8 HRs as a rookie, I'm just gonna concentrate on playin' ball. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got work to do, I'm almost in the Western Conference finals with the Suns on NBA Live 2007."

Kirilenko Claims he was 'Drugged' before Game 2 of WCF

2007-05-23T08:57:00.000-04:00

Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko stood in front of reporters on Wednesday morning, visibly upset and worn down from Tuesday night's game 2 loss to San Antonio.

"I was warm up during shootaround before game, when Manu [Ginobli] hand me his water bottle, giggling. At first, I was 'spicious, but I was just so thirsty, I drank whole thing at once. Afterwards, I noticed the water had very 'mediciny' taste. I forget about this until 5th, 6th missed shot, then I start thinking, 'something is not right here.' I'm worse than normal. Then, I start to wonder, was there something in water? Was I drugged in game one too? I must been, because I have no blocks, bunch of turnover, and a big headache"

Utah coach Jerry Sloan nodded his head and said, "It wouldn't surprise me. You saw how dirty they were with the Suns. I'm still burned up about that series. I'll never get over it. I was looking forward to sitting on the couch for one more game, an exciting game 7 that everybody wanted to see, even my players. I didn't wanna see this crap. Shots bouncing off the front of rims, bad passes in the paint, bad calls. If I wanted to see this, I'd go back to school. Wouldn't surprise me if all my players were drugged by Bruce Bowen alone. The guy mugs everybody, how would you know if he slipped your guy a mickey or something? I don't even know what a mickey is, but it can't be good."

Robert Horry, who happened to be passing by, flashed his best Will Smith smile and stopped to chime in, "Yeah, that's right, I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again, this is the NBA, son, better bring your A game...what're we talkin' about here guys?"

Jerry Sloan, still disgusted with Horry, stormed off after saying, "You make me sick, thug!"

Horry, confused by Sloan's sudden departure said, "Was it something I said? Seriously, you guys were talking about me, right? Go ahead, I won't interrupt again, talk some more about me...please?"

Tony Parker and Bruce Bowen didn't want to hear excuses though. Instead, they took an unexpected approach, giggling while commenting on Kirilenko's allegations against Ginobli.

"If he wants to give one of their players drugged water in the privacy of his home court, he can do that. It's his water. I know a lot a guys who have drugs on the back roads of Mississippi, if that's what you want. People need to mind they're own business," stated Tony Parker.

A reporter interupted Parker to inform him that this is a felony in the United States.

He replied, "Well, it can't be too bad of a crime."

Bruce Bowen stopped laughing long enough to say this. "Look, if you wanna throw the book at him, fine, but I don't think it's fair to hunt the man down when he hasn't been convicted of anything...yet."

Both later released apologies posted on the Spurs website. "On our comments earlier about drugged water, we would like to make it clear that we do not take part in, or condone, drugging beverages of any kind, nor do we condone drug use in any form, voluntarily or otherwise."

Bowen and Parker plan to go to rehab after they win their 4th championship in San Antonio this season.

Sports Quotes of the Week

2007-05-22T15:15:00.000-04:00

"I know it's 33 years after the fact, but the water I had just before the fight was drugged, I'm telling you...AHHH! Do you see those lephrachauns over there? They're laughing at me. I'll grill you!

--George Foreman

"WE were wrong for doing 'that stuff'. WE should just admit it, and let US finish out our phat contract with the Yankees...what? People have forgotten about that? Oh man, I wish WE could shut our big stupid mouths."

--Jason Giambi

"Wade Phillips is the greatest coach in the NFL. It's just that nobody knows it yet."

--Terrell Owens

"What? Foul? On ME?!!!! I've never fouled anyone in my life!"

--Tim Duncan

"Yeah, the Pats wanted me for a second season in a row...I'm as surprised as anybody. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to play a full season and actually get a ring."

--Junior Seau

"It can't be that bad of a felony." (on Michael Vick's alleged illegal dog fighting activity)

--Clinton Portis

"In hindsight, I probably should have fired him immediately, but I needed someone to talk to." (on firing his managerGeoghegan)

--Floyd Landis

"A.J. never hit me. I got a mark under my eye when tried to grabbed a cell phone really hard with it. The police misread what happened."

--Victoria Johnson (girlfriend of NFL player)

Portis Speaks Out; Vick Speaks Up

2007-05-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

Next to teammate Chris Samuels (who looks eerily similar to Michael Clarke Duncan giggling like a schoolgirl), Clinton Portis offered his opinions on the allegations that Michael Vick might be involved in illegal dog-fighting.

"So what, he fights dogs, it's his dog, he can do what he want in the privacy of his home. I slap my girlfriend every once in a while, but she's my girlfriend, I can do what I want behind closed doors. I whoop on my kid seem like ever' day, but that's my kid, I can do what I want with him," said a defiant Portis. "People need to mind they business."

When the reporter informed Portis all those things were felonies, he had this to say.

"Well, I ain't no lawyer or nothin', but don't seem like they bad crimes. Murder, rape, stealing, I'd say they much worse. Hey, I'm from the back roads a Mississippi, you want a dog fight, I can take you to lots a places they have dog fights. I could show you some croc wraslin' in the swamps too, you like that. They may not be legal, but they mild crimes if they crimes at all."

We recently caught up with Michael Vick himself, while gambling at a casino to unwind from all the hard work he's done in the off-season. He was extremely positive about his future in football and the love of his fans.

"Of course they love me, you heard them cheer. Look at this face. How could you not love this face? I'm bigger than Jesus. King Kong ain't got nothing on me! I could do anything, I mean anything, and my fans would still love me. You know why? Because I'm all that...AND a bag a chips...mesquite BBQ, the best!"

A registered dog breeder in Atlanta, Vick was then asked "will you continue to breed and fight dogs?"

His answer?

"Of course I will, I'm Michael Vick, Michael Vick is a superstar, Michael Vick do what he...wait a minute. I know what you tryin' to do here. Man...no comment."

Clinton Portis released the following statement on the Redskin's offical website late Monday.

'In a recent interview I gave, I wish to make it clear that I do not condone murder, rape, or stealing. Furthermore, I have not, nor do I intend to, beat my girlfriend, wife, or child. Oh, and I don't support, nor have I ever, at any time, watched or taken part in dog-fighting or croc- wrasling. These were only things I have 'heard' about in passing."

Van Gundy 'Surprised' He Was Fired

2007-05-21T13:48:00.000-04:00

Jeff Van Gundy sat at a mike Friday morning answering questions about his coaching job in Houston: or lack therof. "I really didn't see this coming," said a distraught Van Gundy. "The front office always gave me dirty looks and ignored me, so how was I supposed to know I was getting fired?"

"After 4 years of unparalleled success in Houston, I am being charged as the scapegoat of this organization. Does that seem fair to you?" said an exasperated Van Gundy in response to his feelings on the matter. "I told the organization that I needed time because I wasn't sure if I wanted come back, but that in no way suggests that I was unsure about being the head coach of the Houston Rockets next season. Even when they interviewed Rick Adelman, I still thought I was their first choice. I was, and still am, interested in being the coach of this team. I always was."

The Rockets organization, however, feels differently about it.

"Look, when a guy says he's not sure, that's just a mask for saying I absolutely have no desire to coach here ever again. And we took it as such," replied GM Daryl Morey. "The season just ended, but we have a lot of things to take care of, a lot of things to work on, and we want to get started right away. Yao and McGrady are already in the gym, and we don't have time to mess around with ugly, bald coaches who are wishy-washy about deciding whether they want to come back and coach this team. Of course, we have no hard feelings towards the little troll and wish Jeff the best."

Van Gundy claims he's being made the bad guy here, and that he continues to be shocked by the recent turn of events.

"I told them I wanted to coach here at the beginning of the season. Then, when the playoffs were over, I asked for a little time to ponder my future. I don't know how I could have been more clear about wanting to remain the head coach. Then, they start interviewing a bunch of new guys, without asking me. It's embarrassing, really, being asked to step out of my office while they interview my replacement. Still, I thought they wanted me back next year, that they were only going to hire one of those guys if I decided to quit. My family and I like Houston. A lot. I thought they understood that it was my desire to finish out my contract, and even sign a new 10 year deal here. Even so, I'm not going to sling mug over this. They lie through their stinking, lying teeth, but I wish them the best, choke artists, classless organization that they are."

When asked if he would coach again, Van Gundy shrugged his shoulders looking at the ground. "I don't know, this happened so fast I haven't really had time to think about it too much. I have intereviews at New York, Miami, Orlando, Seattle, LA [Clippers], Golden State and New Jersey over the next week, but I'm not really sure if I'm interested in coaching next year."

Coach Pop, Spurs Upset About Game 1

2007-05-21T09:28:00.000-04:00

After a 108-100 win in San Antonio against the Utah Jazz in game one of the Western Conference Finals, the three time champion Spurs were anything but satisfied.

"We gotta get more calls. They [the Jazz] were touching me almost every time I had the ball. Add to that the fact that I actually got called for a few fouls, you'd think Utah paid the refs. We were been up by 27 at the time, but it's common knowledge: I don't foul," said Tim Duncan. "It's a good thing they couldn't make a basket in the first half, otherwise, we might have had to work for this win."

Coach [Gregg] Popovich concurred, adding that "This Utah team is a joke. So they beat Tracy "Choker" McGrady. Then followed it up with a convincing win over Golden "cheap shot" State. That's not that hard when the team you're facing throws up nothing but wild 3s. They're playing a real team now, we should be beating them by 60 points every game, especially at home."

Andrei Kirilenko reverted to his old ways, breaking down in tears after the game. "Coach only play me 29 minutes. I want to play whole game. I only score 7 points because I need more time on court to have big game," he said, embracing and petting his favorite teddy bear 'Grizz'. "This may be only chance to win championship, I will probably be injured against next season."

Coach Sloan was reticent to speak about the game, instead choosing to talk about a subject long forgotten and dropped.

"I still can't believe Horry was suspended for only two games for that vicious hip check on Stevie. I feel so bad for the little guy. Shoulda been for the rest of the playoffs, maybe then we'd have a chance against the Spurs. And then, Stoudemire and Diaw, getting suspended just for going over to see what happened. I heard Amare was just checking in to the game. I just don't think any of us have gotten over the events of game 5. Maybe you've all moved on, but we all watched that game in my family room with a big bowl of popcorn, and it was just heartwrenching. We wanted 7 games, it was just so exciting. We actually forgot we were still in the playoffs. Makes you wonder...should we be playing the Suns right now? It just taints everything, including this series. If we lose, we'll always wonder; should the Suns be in the finals instead of the Spurs? I personally would have preferred watching 27 games of name-calling and crying between the Suns and Spurs than the game I just saw today. Much more exciting, if you ask me. But, nobody's even listening to me, much less asking me, so it doesn't really matter."

Transcript Of Latest Clemens Interview

2007-05-18T11:55:00.000-04:00

M: Roger, we've heard a lot of criticism about the current plan you have to be at games only when you start. What do you think about that?
R: I don't.
M: Most recently, relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth has come out to say that he doesn't think anybody should be allowed to be on a 'family plan' which allows them to miss games in which they aren't pitching. How do you respond to that?
R: Kyle who?
M: Farnsworth.
R: Who does he play for?
M: Uh...I believe the same team you do...the Yankees.
R: Hmmm, never heard of him. What's his ERA?
M: I think...uh...4.41...career is 4.44.
R: And how many Cy Young awards does he have?
M: Ummm--
R: And how many rings?
M: I don't-
R: What's he makin' this year?
M: 5.7 million?
R: Pocket change to me...do you see where I'm goin' here?
M: Sure...when do you think you'll get your first start, and where do you hope it will be?
R: Well, I'd love to wait until September to kind of see where we are and if there's any chance I can actually get something out of this deal besides a phat paycheck...but really, I'd love stick it to Boston in Fenway Park at the beginning of June, so that might be doable. Depends on if they let me make the entrance I want to.
M: What would that be?
R: (Big grin breaking out) Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm really excited about it, and I think it's gonna be REALLY cool. OK, imagine a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. The national anthem's just been sung, and the first pitch is thrown out. Home team's just gotten their first three outs, and the bottom of the 1st inning is about to start. The Yankees take the field, leaving the mound empty. Suddenly...the loudspeakers start "Money for Nothing" with that wicked awesome keyboard intro real low, building in volume. Then the drums come in, "budadum...budadum budadump", as the drums go crazy, the crowd's anticipation mounts. It hits the peak and the guitar comes in. That's when I zipline down a rope to the mound to wild applause "Ahhhhhh, AHHHHHHHH, Rocket, we love you, WE LOVE YOU!!!" Now, that's if the Boston organization lets me, because it's in their ballpark and all. I hope they're not selfish about it, because the fans would love it. I got a whole bunch a other ideas too. A different grand entrance for each start. I'm going land on the mound by helicopter one game in Yankee stadium, then another with a prop plane. Another start's gonna involve a bungee cord, but I don't wanna give that one away. One with a Nascar car where Dale Jr. drives me to work, that ones gonna be kickin'! One with a Harley. Maybe I'll drag that Farnswald kid behind the bike hog-tied. Another with a chariot of gold. Also thinkin' about comin' in on a hover board, but I'm not sure if the Spiderman people would let me use the Green Goblin one.
M: ...
R: Pretty cool huh?

Favre Faces Tough Decisions

2007-05-17T09:25:00.000-04:00

Brett Favre's had a rough week. Just look at his daily agenda:

Sunday, May 13
7:00 AM - Breakfast
8:00 AM - Call reception hall and arrange plans for Brittany's high school graduation party
9:00 AM - Go to celebrity golf tournament
12:00 PM - Lunch
2:00 PM - Snacktime
3:00 PM - Bitch to media about not getting the troubled Randy Moss in the off-season
3:05 PM - Point out that Moss would have preferred playing with an aging QB on a .500 team instead of for a QB in his prime that's won 3 of the past 6 superbowls on a really good team
3:07 PM - ...for less than 3 million
3:15 PM - Make a subtle hint that I might want to be traded
5:00 PM - Dinner
6:00 PM - Send out 1000 invitations for Brittany's high school graduation party

Monday, May 14
10:00 AM - Breakfast
10:30 AM - Call caterer and make sure we can get the shrimp puffs for Brittany's high school graduation party.
11:00 PM- Take a nap after working so hard on Brittany's high school graduation.
1:00 PM - Lunch
2:00 PM - Call agent and release statement that I do not nor have I ever wanted to be traded
3:00 PM - Snacktime
4:00 PM - Order ten different green and gold cakes for Brittany's graduation from the bakery.
5:00 PM - Dinner
7:00 PM - Arrange for 750 padded fold up chairs for Brittany's graduation party

Tuesday, May 15
11:00 AM - Breakfast
11:30 AM - Interview DJs for Brittany's high school graduation party
12:00 PM - Call agent to bitch about Moss again, then write it off to 'frustration'
12:10 PM - Mention that I might want to be traded again, or maybe retire
1:00 PM - Lunch
2:00 PM - Continue interviewing DJs for Brittany's high school graduation party
3:00 PM - Snacktime
3:30 PM - Call Sun-Herald and casually mention that I don't intend to participate in minicamp because of Brittany's graduation and my bum ankle.
3:35 PM - Reiterate that I'm just 'frustrated' and 'emotional', not that I want to be traded
3:37 PM - Mention Brittany's high school graduation party
3:40 PM - Call ESPN to tell them that being pissed off and not going to minicamp are not related
3:45 PM - Call repairman to get dad-blamed hoveround fixed
4:00 PM - Order cheeseplates for Brittany's graduation party
5:00 PM - Dinner
7:00 PM - Make sure there is plenty of alcohol for the adults to get plastered at Brittany's graduation party

Wednesday, May 16
12:00 PM - Brunch with Brittany to discuss appropriate outfits for her graduation party
1:00 PM - Order special orgami napkins for Brittany's graduation party
1:30 PM - Call Trudy at the Packer's front office to get the latest scoop on minicamp
2:00 PM - Call ESPN to let them know that I've changed my mind about attending minicamp
2:05 PM - Remember to mention that it had nothing to do with [coach] McCarthy's comments on it being 'mandatory'
3:00 PM - Snacktime - Test creampuffs for Brittany's graduation party
4:00 PM - Call agent to bitch about my ankle and how tired I am from party planning
4:15 PM - Reiterate that I do NOT want to be traded or retire!
5:00 PM - Dinner
6:00 PM - Call and yell at my financial advisor for suggesting I hire a professional party planner for Brittany's graduation party since I have millions of dollars to spend, then fire her
6:05 Pm - Call and apologize to said financial advisor for getting 'emotional' and write it off as being 'frustrated', rehire her

6:30 PM - Get my drink on with the alcohol ordered for Brittany's graduation party
7:00 PM - Call and yell at new coach, asking him who he thinks he is, I have a ring
8:00 PM - Pass out
10:00 PM - Make David Hasselhoffesque video so I can get on Youtube.com

Thursday, May 17
11:00 AM - Wake up in drunken stupor, have a few mimosas with a big brunch
12:00 PM - Take a long nap
3:00 PM - Snacktime
4:00 PM - Call and yell at agent out of boredom
4:10 PM - Apologize to agent for being 'emotional' and 'frustrated', that maybe it's time to be traded or retire
5:00 PM - Dinner
7:00 PM - Crank call new coach again, as well as stupid Packer's spokesman

Friday, May 18
9:00 AM - Breakfast
10:00 AM - Arrive at Packer's facility on hoveround.
10:30 AM - Give guys pep talk and remind them I don't want to be traded or retire
11:00 AM - Hold clipboard, cheer for the guys, and bring water on hoveround when needed
12:00 PM - Lunch
1:00 PM - Accidentally run over new coach's foot and into his knee to teach him lesson about making minicamp mandatory for me, and crank call team spokesman again with a fake bomb threat, evacuating the front office out of building
1:30 PM - Pat new coach on the back with a "Kick Me" sign
2:00 PM - Call agent to let him know I might want to be traded or retire
2:30 PM - Throw football at back of new coach's head to remind him who's boss in Green Bay, openly admit I did it
3:00 PM - Snacktime
4:00 PM - Call agent back to let him know that I definitely don't want to be traded or retire
5:00 PM - Dinner
6:00 PM - After Brittany shows me my drunken video from the night before after plastering it on Youtube, I'll record myself calling her a 'selfish pig' Alec Balwin style, then post the soundclip of that on Youtube so I can get a little more publicity. Alec and David ain't got nothin' on me!
7:00 PM - Apologize to Brittany for calling her a pig and write it off on being 'frustrated' and 'emotional'
8:00 PM - Call Ahman to tell him how much I miss him after being at camp all day

Nellie Unsure if He'll Return To Coach Warriors

2007-05-16T16:06:00.000-04:00

After losing to the Jazz in the second round of the 2007 NBA playoffs, a slurring Don Nelson stumbled into the Warriors' training facility to answer questions about his future. Donning an Orlando Magic hat that didn't match the bright red workout suit he was wearing, he looked his chipper, albeit usual shaky self.

"Next question!" he shouted out, pointing a shaky finger in the general direction of the press after taking a quick sip of the beverage hidden by the brown bag he was clutching.

"Coach, will you be back next season, and if so, do you plan on trying to get any specific players to help [Baron] Davis and Harrington?" shot out one reporter.

"Well, (clearing his throat) that's a good question (squinting at the name badge) Boob...Bab...Bob, sorry, Bob. (Long pause, gulp of beverage) Bill, I'm not sure I have anything else to offer this team other than the haphazard game plan of shooting a non-stop barrage of threes that may or may not go in, and running around like crazy headless chickens. So, I'm not sure another cheap shot thug is gonna help. Next question!"

"So, does that mean you'll be moving on to another crappy team that has nowhere to go but up, or will you be retiring?"

Confused by the question, Don took a sip then carefully answered. "I'm not sure I understand the question, but I'll say this. You have a very nice haircut. And, not to be sexist...(taking a drink) but that is a very pretty dress; makes your buttocks look nice and round, can I get a little wha wha? (laughing to himself) Next question (finger flailing)!"

"Nellie, considering the success you had as a team this season, on top of the fact that you have a very loud crowd of fans, is there any reason you wouldn't seriously consider coming back?"

Don, with his finger in the air while he chugged the rest of his beverage, finally answered. "Sorry, thirsty. (burp) Excuse me. Ummmm...first off, Nellie is a girl's name. Don't know if you noticed, but I'm not a girl...I'm a woman, hee hee (laughing to self). No, but seriously...I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"It seems like it would be a no-brainer to come back to a team that overacheived and had a great group of fans."

(Cracking open another brown-bagged beverage) "Excuse me, I'm on a liquid protein diet, and I am starving. Uhhhh, yeah. Truth is, guys, we were flat out lucky this season. I mean, to have the April we had, I seriously didn't think we could do it. I didn't have any good victory speeches or anything. I don't really have organized practices. So, imagine my surprise when we won all those games and made the 8th spot. I honestly didn't think we could beat Dallas, but I guess we match up really well against them. Who knew? The Dirk voodoo doll helped too, hahaha. (Big swig). Anywho...to answer your question, I'm not sure I can do any better than this. For most, going out on top would be winning a championship then quitting. But for me, this is about as good as it gets these days. Next question!"

T.O., Jones, Love New Coach

2007-05-15T09:12:00.000-04:00

In the first mini-camp since Parcells left the Dallas Cowboy's organization as a coach, morale has been high across the board. Star receiver Terrell Owens and running back Julius Jones can tell the difference. For the first time in their careers, they have been excited about mini-camp, especially Owens, who doesn't usually bother with 'early training'.

"Usually, I'm too busy to workout in camp, especially so early on. I mean, it's only May, we've got one, two, four months before the season starts. I only need a few days because of how amazing I am, but this year, I'm just so excited to get back on the field. I feel like a kid in a candy store."

Julius Jones concurred, citing that Parcells was a big part of the problem. "Yeah, last year, I feel like he was always telling me things, and making me do things, making me practice, and do things that I kept thinking "why am I doing this?" I mean, he would make me run through the holes that the offensive line would create, or have this whacky idea about the line blocking to the right and having me run outside to the right. So predictable. I'm all about being free and fancy, you know, just play it by ear. He always had these 'game plans'. I just wanna play man, roll with the punches."

Owens piggybacked off this idea, going more into detail. "He [Parcells] was just such a negative dude man. He was always bringing the locker room down. And all the distractions? Seem like every week there was something new about him in the papers, or on ESPN. I couldn't turn around without hearing something new about his off the field behavior. Just not a class act at all. But now we have this new guy, Ward, and he seems to know what he's doing. Sure, he hasn't won a playoff game in 3 tries, and his overall record might only be 48-42, but he lets us do what we want. You know, just 5 minutes ago, I was giving him a nuggie while Julius was giving him a wedgie at the same time, and he didn't get mad or nothing. I know that had to hurt, but he just laughed with his hair all mussed and his face all red. Now that's the kinda coach we need. He has a sense of humor, and I don't think you need to be so strict and have so many rules to win."

Wade Phillips came over, still in pain from the wedgie, not having fully adjusted himself. But he had a grin from ear to ear and said, "I love these guys man. They've just made me feel so at home here in Dallas. They're always joking and laughing with me, they call me cute nicknames like 'dummy' and 'fatty', they even let me talk during practice sometimes. They're such pranksters too, the other day they locked me in Terrell's locker. It's smelly in there, ha ha, but it was only for a few hours, so it's ok. I think I'm gonna like it here."

Jones Tired Of Being Singled Out

2007-05-14T17:05:00.000-04:00

Tennessee Titan's star cornerback 'Pacman' Jones is tired of it all. Tired of being singled out. Tired of being made the example. Tired of being blamed for everything. And he promises it won't be the last time.

"I'm sorry, what else can I say? I have good excuses for all of my 'infarctions' with the law, but nobody wants to let me explain. It's like they want me to fail. This latest speeding ticket was just bad timing. But look, I have a really good reason. See, what had happened was that I had gone out with a friend to a strip club. Now, in my defense, I didn't want to go. His girlfriend had just broken up with him on account of his slept with another woman, but anyway, point is that he was real depressed. So I took him out, you know, to get his mind off things. I wasn't really even having that much fun. I even tried private lap dances with three different girls. Nothing. Anyway, I lost track of time, you know, trying to cheer my friend up, and before I knew it, it was past my [self-imposed] curfew of midnight. I don't know why I didn't have my driver's license on me, I must have left it in my other pocket, or one of the strippers pick-pocketed me or something. I had my money roll, it's hard to roll with stuff that makes your wallet fatter, like a driver's license. Anyway, I was speeding so I could get home before being an hour past curfew so I could show Roger [Goodell] how serious I am about cleaning up my act. I mean, if that don't convince him, that I'm willing to get an expensive ticket to get home by 1 AM, I don't know what will."

Manny Arora, Jones' lawyer just put his face in his hands, shaking his head. "Well, I can't really 'no comment' after that friggin' brilliant statement by my client, can I now? Geez, what a moron! See what I have to deal with. Does anybody feel a little sorry for me?"

Stoudemire To Bowen...and Ginobli: You're Dirty!

2007-05-11T14:44:00.000-04:00

Soft-spoken star power forward Amare Stoudemire is finally speaking out about the dirty play of Bruce Bowen...and Manu Ginobli...and the Spurs as a team. Bowen, a self-proclaimed 'soft' player, was shocked at the news of being accused of purposely trying to injure Stoudemire's achilles.

"Man, I'm just speechless. I try to be an ambassador of sportsmanship and fair play, I even read to underpriveledged kids on the weekend. I've taught the fundamentals of defense in a video. I don't understand why anybody would take these kinds of potshots at me. It's never happened before...except in Seattle with Ray Allen...and LA with Kobe...and a bunch of coaches and analysts, but I don't listen to those guys."

Stoudemire had this to say. "I don't like to complain about other guys, but after I saw the footage, yeah, I think he purposely kicked at my achilles. I just hope the NBA looks into it. Oh, he acted like he lost his footing, and actually did in the process, but you could see he still kicked at me. I just hope the NBA looks into it. Like I said, I don't complain a lot unless it's on the court to the refs when I'm not getting calls. Oh, and when Ginobli kneed me in the crotch last season. I hope the NBA looks at that play too and suspends those guys for the rest of this series so I don't get touched anymore. It's ridiculous for any of these guys to be touching me...ever. I just hope the NBA looks into it. What, they can't defend me three or four feet away? I got injured for most of last season because guys were touching me. Have I mentioned that I just hope the NBA looks into it?"

McNabb Not Upset...SERIOUSLY!!!

2007-05-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

"I'm shocked. It was shocking," said a reticent Donovan McNabb, in response to how he felt about the Philadelphia Eagles drafting quarterback Kevin Kolb in the first round. Surrounded by press that did not include the usual Eagles' press at a skating rink in New Jersey, he quickly continued his sentence. "I'm not upset though. I'm the quarterback of this team and I plan on putting myself in as the starter when pre-season games start up. I think it is important for them to groom somebody for 10-15 years down the road, though, when I'm ready to retire."

There was a light feeling on the ice, as the reporters present laughed at McNabb's joke...for a moment.

"What's so funny? Seriously, what'd I say?"

One reporter from a small newspaper on the outskirts of Philly asked McNabb why he was so upset over the pick if he felt his job was safe.

"Like I said before, I'm not upset. I'm shocked, I'm flabbergasted, I'm even a little pissed off, but I'm not upset. Stop asking me why I'm so upset! I'm only 30, I'm still young, and no unproven rookie punk is going to take my job, especially now that Garcia is gone. Everybody says it gets harder after 30, but I think it's getting better. Look at all the time I've had off with the injuries I've sustained. When I get healthy enough to play again, I'll be really well rested."

"So, you're not upset?" replied an anonymous voice in the crowd, giggling uncontrollably.

An infuriated Donovan McNabb finally stood, trying to make out the face who asked the question while speaking. "NO, I'M NOT UPSET, and if you ask me again, I'm gonna punch you!!!! ...TO, is that you?"

Clemens To Save Yankees

2007-05-07T10:19:00.000-04:00

After an eternity of futility and frustration for the NY Yankees in 2007, Roger Clemens announced he would be returning to the Bronx to win a championship for the team he used to play for. Asked if he finally has the pieces of the puzzle to return to former glory, owner George Steinbrenner said, "No doubt about it. We finally fired that strength and conditioning coach, I don't even remember his name, after he caused all those injuries to most of our starting pitching lineup. I mean, he worked at a country club and never had any major league experience. What was he thinking accepting a job and a phat check from us? He shouldn't have taken the job if he was unqualified."

A teary eyed Steinbrenner continued. "Mr. Roger is back...I'm just so happy...a championship is guaranteed with him in the lineup. He's bigger than God. Even the Beatles. He's worth every penny of the $18 million we're throwing at him. I'm already paying that hack superstar $25 million, what's another 18? It's all just money anyways, life is about championships."

Petite had a smile from ear to ear, also wiping tears away to say, "My big brother is coming home, I can't wait to give him a big, sloppy kiss...I mean, hug. If we could just get El Duque back, we'd be complete. I heart Roger."

Fans almost caused a riot in the streets after the 5-0 win over the Seattle Mariners because of the news, yelling the lyrics to the Elton John song "Rocketman". One fan screamed "What NOW, Boston, what NOW?" repeatedly while jumping on the hood of a car until he was pepper-sprayed by its owner.

When asked how his new pitching lineup would look, Torre thought for a moment. "Let's see...I haven't figured it all out yet, but I imagine we'll go with Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Mussina, Clemens." "What about Wang, Hughes, and the fact that Mussina is still on the DL?" questioned the reporter." "Well, Wang's still got that hangnail he's dealing with, who knows when that'll heal. Hughes hurt his hamstring, but now that we have Superman back, I'll think we'll let the kid go back and develop some more. Oh, yeah, and Mussina's still hurt, forgot about that. Sorry, Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Petitte, Clemens. Of course, I'll change it to Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Mussina, Clemens after Mike gets better. That answer your question?" Torre concluded with a smile.

The reporter smiled back, not having the heart to tell Joe that Clemens plans on commuting from Houston to NY every 5th day for his starts, and won't be available that often.

Race Still Issue in Basketball, Baseball

2007-05-07T09:40:00.000-04:00

In a shocking realization of the American sports world, ESPN writers and college researchers have once again exposed the fact that race is still a problem in sports.

In the NBA, a study showed that white refs tend to call fouls on black players more often than white, and that black refs call more fouls on white players. "Even though 72% of the players in the NBA are black, and even though we based our information on 'referee teams', rather than on the actual referees themselves, this is still a very conclusive study," said Justin Wolfers. "This is not about being racist, or having prejudice, this is about giving preferential treatment to somebody because of the color of their skin. The facts are all there, we just compiled them and released it to the press." He also added that he isn't really a fan of sports, but that all those stats just looked 'fun', so he spent his spring break doing the study. "Fort Lauderdale is stupid anyway, who needs the sunburn?" concluded the Cornell graduate student.

In major league baseball, an ESPN poll showed that 74% of black people want Bonds to break the all time home run record, while only 21% of white people do. In a professional sport that is 60% white, 29% latino and 9% black in America, that is saying something. "Yeah, it says you idiots got nothin' better to do than sit around typin' stuff into your computers. Start a blog like me and maybe people will take you more seriously," commented Curt Schilling, the starting pitcher for the Boston Red Sox who has recently been critical of Bonds. "Look, all these percentages and numbers don't mean crap. If a guy cheated on his wife and admitted it, if he doped and admitted it, he shouldn't be allowed to play, much less break any record, I don't care if he's black, brown, red, yellow, or orange. If he started a blog like me, he'd feel better about all this."

"It's really quite simple," says ESPN's Jayson Stark with a smile. "52% of the 85% of whites who watch the 9% of blacks that play a game dominated by 60% of whites with 29% of latinos who don't seem to matter right now because 74% of the 30% of blacks that even watch the game of baseball don't hope that Bonds breaks the record, which is surprising when you consider the fact that 37% of the 28% of whites that actually don't want him to break the record are in complete contrast."

A red-faced David Stern foamed at the suggestion that refs show racial bias. "Racist?!?!? RACIST?!?! Look, I hear or see anyone even remotely thinking racist thoughts, I'll fine and suspend them, like that! I will suspend them for the rest of the playoffs, and if they're not in the playoffs, for most of next season, player, coach, front office, anybody! Are you being racist?! I'll fine and suspend YOU too!" David paused for a moment, taking a sip of water with three or four pills. He then continued in a very quiet and calm manner. "We have done some extensive studies, in fact one that I'm very proud of that, coincidentally was released immediately following the idioti--the one you just mentioned. In it, we show that we have set a record for most minority VPs and league office personnel. I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, so I can't tell you, but it was a record. We should probably be in some sports Hall of Fame somewhere."

When informed that the percentage was 15% for VPs and 34% for league office personnel, which is not very high, Stern silently smiled back and said, "Yes...but that's better than 14% and 33% respectively, isn't it?"

Artest Punishment 'Too Severe'

2007-05-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

In what many are calling a harsh verdict, Sacremento King Ron Artest has been sentenced to a fine, community service, and probation by Placer County Superior Court Judge Francis Kearney for spousal abuse. The $600 fine was not as painful as the 100 hours of community service, but then the judge got 'greedy' with a year long violence treatment program and a parenting class. Getting excessive, the judge then tacked on a three year probation and a restraining order, which was modified to 'peaceful contact with his wife and no restrictions on his contact with his children.' Ron Artest, who has long been an upstanding and law-abiding member of the NBA rarely in legal trouble, was baffled by the sentence.

"Six hundred dollars? 100 hours of community service?! Restraining order? This is just unfair. I don't know why I'm suddenly being singled out. It's like they wanna make me an example or something. What does a brotha have to do to get some love up in here? That judge is a fool. I don't know why she so angry, probably just a man-hater, but this whole thing about 'peaceful contact with my wife'? Come on. I mean, it's great that I can still beat my kids, because as a parent, there's no other way to discipline those little bastards. But not to be able to set my wife straight? It's not abuse. It's just a little grab here, slap there, push here, pull there. Nothing too serious. And now I gotta go back to some school? And hey, I don't care what they say, I ain't never done no community service, I don't plan on doing any now. Then some neighbor gonna call on me about a dog. A dog man! Don't you know who I am? Now I got to sell my home because of all these problems other people are causing me. Plus, you see that picture they took of me? That ain't right."

King's spokesman Troy Hanson said that the team was shocked by the judgement, but was standing behind their star player 73%. "Hey, you know, they were unfair to him in Chicago when he applied for a job at Circuit City. They kept saying he just did it for the discount, but he's just a hard worker. He just wanted a little pocket change to go with his multi-million dollar contract. Then there was the 'Malice at the Palace', where he went into the stands and punched a fan. That fan threw a cup of beer at him while he was laying down to rest on a table during a tiring game, I don't know anybody who wouldn't have done the same. And now this. It's like people are out to get him everywhere he goes. But we know he's a good guy, we believe in him. Unfortunately, we might not be able to afford to pay him next year, so he might be gone. We wish him the best of luck, but we can't talk about that now because the season's not over yet."

Goodell Finally Getting Team Doctors and Trainers...Well, Training

2007-05-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

In a controversial move applauded by many, NFL commish Roger Goodell has set up a required meeting on the subject of concussions for team doctors and trainers from all 32 teams. The decision comes as a result of concerns raised by former players who have physically suffered from concussions after retiring. "We're just trying to cover our a...bases here, with regards to guys that want to sue the NFL and get some kind of compensation for not knowing how to do anything but play football...I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the retired players that suffer, but we really want to get to the bottom of this. It's unfair to blame football and the NFL specifically. For example, does a guy have a brain injury because of those hard hits he took to the head? Or is it a result of just being really stupid? Does a guy have constant headaches because he was sacked from behind 78 times? Or is it because his wife constantly nags him in retirement? We don't know, so we're trying to bring together the greatest minds in the world to figure that out."

Raider's owner Al Davis was disgusted with Goodell's idea, calling him a 'boy scout' in an army. "It's ridiculous. In my day, there were fewer pads, and no doctors or trainers out there. If you lost a finger or a limb, you just iced it, taped it up, got back on the field, and went to the emergency room after the game! Bunch a pansies these days. Football's a contact sport, guys are gonna get their bells rung. If ya can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If ya can't handle the cold, don't play in the...wowsy wowser, you get a look at that rack? She must be, I don't know, 19, 20 years old...yeah, glad Moss is gone...interview's over, gotta run." With that, Davis put his hoveround in 2nd, and went to meet his future wife.

Some team doctors, though, found the idea of the meeting refreshing and long overdue. On condition of anonymity, one team doctor said, "I think it's great. About time we got some more training on concussions. The basic physics of two 6'6" 250 pound men hitting each other at full speed and all those years of medical school didn't really cover the basics of the long term effects of concussions. I'm hoping to learn a lot of new things here."

A team trainer concurred. "Yeah, it's much needed. Often times, you're out there on the field, in the heat of the moment, and you just want your team to win so danged badly, you forget that these are real people with real brains in their noggins...well, some of 'em. Seeing scientific figures and graphs and hearing a lot of medical jargon that I won't understand on the subject is definitely going to make me think twice about sending a guy back out on the field after he gets a concussion...unless, of course, it's an important player, like a starting QB or a running back or star wide receiver. Then we'll just have to take our chances."

Jeter Admits 'It's Time To Panic'

2007-05-01T14:31:00.000-04:00

In a surprising admission, Yankee's SS Derek Jeter has claimed that his team should be panicking at this point. After the Yanks dropped their 8th game out of the last 9 Sunday evening, a reporter asked Jeter "Is it time to panic?" Derek had this to say:

"Oh, definitely...I'm panicked. I mean, it's already May, and even though we have 140 games left in the season, being this far under .500 is totally uncool. I can't remember being on a team that sucked so bad so early. I think Arod should be traded and Torre should be fired. In fact, if I were George (Steinbrenner), I think I'd sell the team. That, or we should throw crazy money at the Rocket to come back to us. To not win a championship in, what has it been, 6 years? Sure, we've won a lot of games, and we always make the playoffs, but who cares if you don't get the ring? It don't mean a thing, if you ain't got that ring. Anything less is for chumps...guys like you, you know?"

Roger Clemens has been enjoying his time off from baseball, watching 'lots of Nascar and getting plenty of rest' as three teams clamour over him to return to baseball. Roger was busy with "off-season workouts", but his agent, Randy Hendricks, made a statement on his behalf. "I am enjoying lots of NASCAR and the NRA playoffs. What? Oh, sorry, pizza stain. That's supposed to be NBA playoffs. Boy, that Yao and McGrady sure are fun to watch...don't know about those other guys, but they are A-OK...anywho, also recently discovered this Frito-Lay Snack pack that includes all my favorites - Doritos, SunChips, pretzels, and Cheetos - all in one bag. It's awesome man. Ummmm, yeah, oh baseball, yeah. OK, so, since I can pretty much take as much time off and still be welcomed back to baseball with open arms and phat loads of money, I may not play this season...Or maybe I'll wait until I see which team is closest to a championship, then I'll join them. I learned my lesson after last season. Boy was that a waste. 7-6 record with Houston, peeeeeeyoouu! I might just sit on my couch for a few more years, then come back. Maybe around 2010-2011. Hey, that dude from the Mets is still playing at 48, why not me?"

Miami Excited About Ted Ginn, Jr.

2007-04-30T10:46:00.000-04:00

Cam Cameron was grinning from ear to ear at the podium, his Fin fans chanting his name as if he were the next prez of the US. 'Cam-Cam! Cam-Cam! Cam-Cam!' shouted the crowd as he held his hands to his ears and raised his arms in the air, daring for more. Then, the fans joined hands singing a rousing rendition of "We Are The Champions". It was quite flat, but they get points for enthusiasm. So why was the city of Miami so happy after their defending NBA champs got swept by the Bulls?

"Well, not since we got Marino so late in the first round in '83 has there been such an exciting pick for us. To get this guy at #9 in the first round...what a steal. This might be the greatest steal in the history of the NFL draft. Everybody else had him as the #5, #6 WR of the draft, but he was #1 in our book. I still can't believe 8 teams passed up on this guy. Stupid. I'm just glad we could pick up a guy with such amazing speed. I mean, seriously, have you seen how fast he is? He ran back that kickoff in last year's championship game for a touchdown. He got injured celebrating in the end zone, and his team got pummelled...but man, that kid is FAST."

When asked why they didn't take Brady Quinn to address their obvious QB situation, Cameron was surprised. "Wait, Quinn was still on the boards? Serious? Mularkey! No, really, Mike Mularkey, get him over here, NOW!"

After a private, heated discussion with offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey, in which Cameron backhanded him twice, he came back to continue his statement. "You know, there are a lot of questions about Quinn. To put it bluntly, Quinn is probably going to suck in the NFL. Of course, at this point it doesn't look like we're going to get Trent Green, Culpepper is an injury-prone bust, and Lemon might just be...well, a lemon. But that just proves my point. Everybody we just talked to says he's got plenty of question marks, that he's not even that accurate. We already have serious problems, why take Quinn on as well? Especially if he's going to suck like the rest of our QBs?"

Cameron was then asked what other kinds of skills Ted Ginn, Jr. is going to be able to offer to the Miami Dolphins. 'Well, he's fast. REAL fast. Don't know if I mentioned that, but he's maybe the fastest guy I've ever seen on a football field. He might not be able to contribute right away, since he's got that foot injury, but hey, that's ok. We're in this for the long haul with the kid. Besides, he's just so danged fast."

Asked how Ginn, Jr. will be able to contribute with no decent QB to get him the ball, Cameron got defensive. "You know, all this stuff about having a good QB, it's overrated man. For instance, if you run back kickoff returns for touchdowns, you won't even need to use your QB. Also, did you know the center doesn't have to actually snap the ball to the QB everytime? Well, I just learned that, and let me tell you, it's opened up a world of possibilities for this team next season. So, once he has the ball, all he has to do is outrun 11 guys. As fast as he is, I don't see that being a problem. The guy never seems to get tired. We're going to have some serious tricks up our sleeves...I can't tell you when because he's still injured, but someday soon, I'll tell you that."

Bloody Sock Controversy Meant to be Just Filler

2007-04-27T09:15:00.000-04:00

The Curt Schilling/bloody sock controversy that was recently conjured up by Baltimore's announcer Gary Thorne was just meant to be a joke based on a misunderstood conversation. Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the famous 2004 series against the NY Yankees, in which Boston came back to erase an 0-3 deficit and win the series, was sent to Cooperstown shortly following the season, and is said to have 'magic powers'. However, the idea that it might have been paint, ink, or even ketchup infuriated the baseball world, tainting was has been the greatest comeback of any team in any American sport.

Red Sox Manager Terry Francona was originally saddened and stressed by the news, saying that this would give the championship they won that year a huge asterisk, shrouding a cloud over Bean town's first World Series championship since 1918. "You know, to come back from being down 0-3 against the NY Yankees was the greatest feeling in the world. But this kind of thing just makes you sick to your stomach. Yeah, the Yankees blew a 3 game lead, the biggest choking of all time in any sport, crushing that ridiculous rumor about 'the curse'. But then it comes out that the red stuff on Curt's sock might not have been his own real blood. Just embarrassing and disgusting. If it turns out to be true, I suggest giving the rings back and stripping us of the title so they can present them to the Yankees, who would be the rightful owners."

George Steinbrenner was most furious, saying "What? That was fake? Rigged? A Sham? Well, that changes everything about that series. Get me Bud Selig on the phone, I'm crying FOUL on that series. I'm gonna have that series nullified and we're gonna have a 'redo'!"

Gary Thorne claims he meant it to be a forgettable comment. "You know, I'm kind of retarded when it comes to comic timing and jokes, so the minute it came out of my mouth, I was just praying that nobody would notice. That they'd write it off as another bad joke, you know? I've gotten so used to people ignoring me, I had no idea it would cause this kind of reaction. But then, people asked me what I meant, so I made some stuff up based on what I imagined would be a cool scenario. I admit, I also got a little confused about what Mirabelli actually said, and what I thought he meant. I realize now, they're two different things. Looking back on my conversation with Mirabelli, I realize that I fabricated the whole idea out of boredom. I'm truly sorry to the Red Sox organization that I'm too stupid to know any better."

"Other" Sports News

2007-04-26T09:05:00.000-04:00

It struck me today, as I was reading through the same old boring news about playoff basketball, early season baseball, this weekend's much anticipated NFL draft, and all the other sports that we Americans find interesting, that very little attention is given to the sports news happening in other parts of the country and the world. So here it is, snippets from 'Other' Sports news.

In an unprecendented move, the 2007 Tour de France has been indefinitely cancelled by officials of that race (nobody really knows who they are), who also stripped all but one rider of their 2006 Tour standings due to doping test results. The move came after officially stripping American Floyd Landis of his 2006 title as a result of failed tests. Wim Vansevenant of Belgium, who finished last in the race at #139 is now officially recognized as the sole participant and winner of the 2006 Tour. He broke down in tears of jubilation when informed of the decision, then double-pumped his fists in the air shouting, "I'm #1 finally, eat that Grandmama!" in his native language. When asked to comment on this move, head of the FDC (French Doping Council) Pierre Bordry had this theory. "I can only assume this year's race was cancelled because there were only two cyclists left that had no trace of doping in their systems. Unfortunately, they were the two crappiest cyclists in the field, which stands to reason, since they weren't doping. In regards to the 2006 standings, I can only say that after 15 or 16 various and random tests on each cyclist, conducted over a period of several months, the results were, for the most part, conclusive. Even though it's really the only way to get through this ridiculously grueling race, we don't want to encourage doping. They may just have to cancel this race until contestants can learn to do it cleanly. Times may suffer, and most will never finish, but until I find something better to do with all my free time, that is the only solution. That, and to pretend that the 2006 Tour didn't happen."

Just when you think the most dangerous sport is boxing, world soccer, or even rugby, along comes...cricket? In a story that has brought cricket to the forefront of international sports news (the actual sport itself certainly couldn't), the coach of the Pakistan team, Bob Woolmer was found dead in his hotel room in Kingston, Jamaica following a loss to Ireland. Initial reports assumed the 58 year old coach had died of natural causes because he was 'such a large man'. However, local police have determine that his death was the result of 'manual strangulation'...as opposed to 'automatic strangulation', which is usually less work and faster. Cricket haters in India and Pakistan, where the sport is most popular, claim his death is finally exposing cricket's 'ugly' side.

In Newark, NJ, a judge found Zamboni operator John Peragallo not guilty of drunk driving on a zamboni because 'they aren't usable on highways and can't carry passengers.' The 64 year old Peragallo, whose blood alcohol level was 0.12 percent when he almost crashed into the boards while working, said "I did drink some beer and vodka on the zamboni, but not until after I'd smoothed out the ice. Now, I did have a little shot of Sambuca with my coffee and two valium pills in the car on the way to work, but I wasn't on the zamboni at the time." Asked if he might have a drinking problem, Peragallo snorted, "Hey, I had a little fun in the zamboni, just to blow off steam because speeding on the ice is fun, but that don't have nothin' to do with alcohol. Hell, I woulda done that sober. I was found not guilty, no problem here."

In Anchorage Alaska, Iditarod musher Ramy Brooks has been disqualified for abusing his team of 10 dogs approximately 90 miles from the finish line. Apparently, race officials consider hitting his dogs with a trail marker abuse, but forcing the dogs to run some fat Alaskan and all his crap in a big sled through 1,150 miles of frozen tundra and jagged mountainous terrain in blinding winds and blizzards is not.

Torre Tired of Arod's Play

2007-04-25T09:52:00.000-04:00

The NY Yankees lost 4-6 last night to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, bringing their losing streak to 5 games and frustrating manager Joe Torre in the process. Immediately following the game, Torre, usually calm and mild-mannered, went off with a stream of profanity-laced expletives, expressing anger for the start of a season which he could only describe as "that superstar's fault.'

"I'm just so sick of his lousy play. We pay him more than anybody else, but the guy just isn't winning ball games for us. What else can I say? I hope our fans continue to boo him when he gets back home so they can light a fire under his ass and get him going."

When reminded that Arod had a 23 game hitting streak dating back to last season coming into the game, including a record tying 14 HRs in the month of April and one of the best major league starts ever, Joe Torre rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Oh, well let's just give him a ring now, why don't we? Here, you want one a mine? Go ahead, give him something he hasn't earned. While you're at it, why don't you just put him in the Hall of Fame too? Like that'll ever happen!"

Torre was asked why he was so mad, a reporter citing that the pitching hasn't exactly been stellar, and the run support from other players inconsistent. "Look, Arod was brought in to win us a championship, period. He's paid 5 guys worth of serious pay. He went 0-3 tonight, with a strike out and a walk. Now, I don't wanna hear about how Mike Myers gave up a grand slam in the 7th. If Arod hits his own grand slam, we're back up and you and I aren't having this conversation. I don't wanna hear about how Jeter got pegged in the thigh. Arod has played shortstop for years, he can just slide over a little and play both positions. Might as well earn his pay for once. I don't wanna hear about how Abreu, Giambi, or Cano didn't get a hit either tonight. I don't wanna hear about anybody else. I don't care that he had a great first 18 games of the season. What about tonight? What about the last 4 games? What good is all that other stuff if he can't win for us on the nights the rest of us really suck? Arod stunk it up tonight, and there's just no excuse for it!"

Asked if he could continue to work with Arod for the rest of the season in light of his apparent frustrations with the player's lack of productivity, Torre responded with this. "You know, hitting home runs and RBIs and playing 3rd base really well is only part of the equation. He needs to step up and do what superstars do. Now, I don't know exactly what that is, because frankly, I'm not as good as everybody thinks I am. However, I do know that superstars have this telepathic, secret brainwave thing that only they know how to do that makes the rest of their team better. He needs to do more of that. He's gotta stop being so selfish and just doing what he alone is physically capable of doing. When he starts improving our pitching and the rest of the guy's hitting and fielding with his superstar voodoo mind tricks, we'll be ok."

Pacman to NFL, Team, and Fans: 'Sorry'

2007-04-24T10:20:00.000-04:00

In a heart-warming gesture, Adam 'Pacman' Jones took out a full page ad in The Tennessean yesterday to print an open letter apologizing for behavior that led to his full season suspension. In it, he talks about the misunderstood mistakes he's made over the past few years, and promises to meet the expectations that his teammates and fans have come to have of him. He also promised to go back to WVU to finish his degree and to set up a scholarship fund for walk-on players.

"You know, it just feels good to give something back to the system that made it possible for me to make millions of dollars to play a game. I thought I was already giving back in that club in Las Vegas, but when my lawyers suggested this, I was like, 'wow, dude, I never thought of that.' To give back to the university I went to and to other young players, on top of the idea of getting a degree. I mean, that was the last thing on my mind when I was in school...you know, a degree. I just hope I can do it in 6 months or so, because I think this is going to get me back on the field by late November, early December."

Although Titan's coach Jeff Fisher declined comment, Titans fans were not at a loss for words. "I think it's great that he did that. To take out a full page ad to apologize to little ole me. Wow, he's got my vote. And I heard he paid for it with his own money. That's, like, over $11,000. He must be serious about cleaning up his act shelling out that kind of dough." Another fan responded in kind. "How many star football players have you seen actually apologize for their arrests? So he bit a cop. He hasn't been charged with nothin', so why should he apologize? But here he is, bein' a class act and writing an apology for it to all of us fans. And to take out a full page ad on top a that. Just goes to show you what a pro athlete can be capable of."

Although Commissioner Goodell could not be reached for comment, an employee of his spoke on condition of anonymity. "Well, this gesture changes everything, obviously. I mean, we knew Pacman was going to be bummed out about missing a whole season, but we had no idea he was so sorry for being in so much trouble with the law. You forget that he actually didn't want to be arrested those 5 times, or to be involved in 10 incidences in the past 2-3 years. I predict Roger will rethink his punishment, and maybe cut it to half a season, maybe even a couple games, without arbitration." When asked if he believed this was too little too late, he had this to say. "Look, we all make mistakes in life. The important thing is to apologize for them and to promise to be better. That's all you can do. I have no reason to doubt the guy, especially if he took out a full page ad. That right there should tell you how serious he is about changing his ways. Haven't you ever given anybody an 11th chance?"

Denver Punter Sauerbrun Thankful For Second Chance

2007-04-23T16:27:00.000-04:00

After testing positive for a dietary supplement that contained ephedra, a substance banned by the NFL, punter Todd Sauerbrun is getting a second chance with the Denver Broncos, and he means to make the most of it. Last October, he was suspended for 4 games by Denver, then picked up by the Patriots for the playoffs. After getting out of his contract with the Patriots over a glitch, he now returns to Denver where he hopes to redeem himself this season.

After repeated weight problems in four years with the Carolina Panthers, as well as a drunk driving incident, Todd Sauerbrun has had his share of issues as a player. "Actually, it wasn't so much about being in shape or having more energy during practices, so much as it was about my hips and thighs. I mean, I used to look really good in jeans, but my butt started looking really big, and I don't even want to get into my hips. My thighs were starting to look like oak trees. I just didn't have the confidence to kick like I used to because of it. The Panthers made me really conscious of myself. I lost a ton of self-esteem playing for them. They were always calling me 'bubba', and 'lardass', really mean stuff." When asked if he knew what he was taking, he said, "Well, not really, I mean, I suspected there was something in there that really worked, otherwise it wouldn't really be worth using. But now that I know, I'll use something else...uh, you know...legal. Or maybe I'll just work out and keep in shape this time. I don't know, I haven't decided yet, I'm just really excited to be getting another shot at it with Shanny. He told me it's ok for me to be fat, that I will be liked as I am, so that means a whole lot to me. 1.4 million dollars for one year ain't bad, either."

Utah's Kirilenko Shows Rare Emotion After Being Benched

2007-04-23T15:19:00.000-04:00

In a rare show of emotion, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko broke down in front of reporters, sobbing quietly after a heart-breaking loss to Houston in the first game of their 1st round series. "I think this is not fair, this benching me. I play only 16 minutes, how I am supposed to win if I play only 16 minutes?" Coach Sloan, who happened to walk by when his statement was made, addressed him face to face. 'Well, frankly, Andrei, you sucked. You want 48 minutes, score more than 2 points." "Hey, I have 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 block, 1 assist also, you stupid-head farmer-boy, you just shut up, I'm not talk to you anyway!" shot back Kirilenko, wiping tears from his eyes. Jerry Sloan then mumbled something under his breath, walking back to his office. Kirilenko then continued. "This is hard for me, I try to sleep with woman that is not my wife to relieve stress, but nobody sleep with me. What, I smell or something?"

When teammates were asked, they decided to do an open roundtable interview, where players were free to express their feelings. Deron Williams started out by saying "AK's been our rock, man, he was supposed to be our superstar in this league...he's just been held back by injuries...but we're here for him." Derek Fisher piggybacked off that, adding, "If one of us hurts, guys, we all hurt. Let's bring it in." The whole team then joined hands, said a prayer, sang a church hymn, then joined in a group hug and cry while stunned and somewhat embarrassed reporters stood by. "I've never seen anything like that before in my life," said Tubbs Larsen, a cameraman for a local news station. "No wonder they lost. Guess this season's chances are shot."

Vitaminwater Not Sponsor For 2007 Superbowl

2007-04-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

Brian Urlacher has been fined $100K by the NFL for sporting a Vitaminwater baseball cap and drinking a Vitaminwater drink, both products not endorsed by the NFL. In a delay spanning almost 3 months, the NFL handed down the Vitaminwater fine, citing that it was long overdue. "Vitaminwater is not one of our sponsors, so Vitaminwater should not be shown or consumed in any form that will show the superbowl viewer the Vitaminwater logo or likeness. Vitaminwater really shouldn't even be mentioned in passing. We deeply regret that Vitaminwater got so much attention and press during the Superbowl media session, and would like to personally apologize to all of our sponsors who aren't Vitaminwater. Brian knows better than to wear Vitaminwater clothing and drink Vitaminwater beverages." When asked why it took so long for the NFL to fine Urlacher, a spokesman had this to say "Frankly, nobody noticed that Brian's hat had a Vitaminwater logo since it's black and blended in with the team's colors. Not even the other sponsors. Actually, an intern brought it to our attention yesterday as a joke, and we felt we had to right this wrong immediately." Brian Urlacher responded that he doesn't even have an endorsement deal with Vitaminwater, that he'd never heard of it until right before the press conference. "Some really energetic kids were outside in the parking lot giving away free hats and drinks. I never pass up a freebie. I thought the hat looked cool because it was our team colors...except for the yellow, which kinda makes it the Steeler's team colors. Anyway, I was thirsty, and the Vitaminwater tasted pretty good. Besides, there's vitamins in there, so I got hydration and vitamins in one shot, not bad. Vitaminwater is my kinda drink." Brian Urlacher signed an endorsement deal with Vitaminwater earlier today for an undisclosed amount.

Vince Not Scared of Madden Cover Curse

2007-04-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

Vince Young, the Titan's QB who had a breakout rookie year in 2006 to guide his team to a respectable 8-8 record, has been chosen as the cover athlete for the EA Sports Madden '08 video game cover. We caught up with Vince to find out his reaction to the news. "I was just shocked it happened so soon. But I'm really excited. For me, it's been a lifelong dream to be on the cover of Madden. It's the whole reason I played this stupid sport, really. It's been my motivation all these years. People automatically assume my goals have been what everybody else wants. To be one of the best QBs ever, to win a championship, to break records. But not me. It was always about getting on a video game cover. And Madden is the Academy Award of video game covers. I guess I can retire now, since I've accomplished my biggest goal. There's really nothing else for me to do...that I care about anyway."

Young was then asked about the popular and controversial question of the 'cover curse', and whether he believes it. "Curse, psshhhhttt, nah, I don't believe in no curse." The interview was then interrupted by a light fixture falling in the background, missing Young's head by inches. "Wow, that was weird," was the reaction from Young as he continued. "Superstitions aren't really my thing. Sometimes I wear the same socks, but that's just because I'm caught in the middle of a laundry cycle...hold up, hold up, nose bleed...." Vince Young ended the interview there to tend to a sudden bloody nose, tripping over a ladder and spraining his ankle on the way out of the studio. He should be ready in time for the Titan's minicamp in June. Should be...

Charlie Manuel Takes a Stand

2007-04-18T09:25:00.000-04:00

"The Red Devil" manager of the Phillies, Charlie Manuel, has had enough. Following last night's 8-1 home loss to the Mets and a paltry 3-9 start to the 2007 season, the crafty manager is finally taking a stand against unfair treatment of the media, particularly Philly radio personality Howard Eskin. Last night, he put his foot down, refusing to accept any more stupid questions and suggestions that would fail to help his crappy team anyway.

When asked by Eskin if a temper tantrum might help fuel the team out of their slump, Charlie stared blankly at Eskin, then replied, "I been throwed up," obviously confused by the question. When Eskin asked him to clarify what that meant, Manuel started jumping up and down like a boxer, punching the microphones in front of him like a punching bag, saying "Ryan Howard is God" repeatedly. He then tried to push the podium over before making a dramatic exit, not realizing that it was bolted to the floor, started to go, came back, straightened out his jacket and calmly said, "I drive a Ford. I'll be in my office if you're man enough to be an adult and fight me, Eskin."

Ten minutes later, Eskin was in his office, hoping to 'finally whoop some old man ass', but was instead met by a red-faced Manuel covering his ears with his face to the ground, screaming "I can't hear you, I can't hear you, blahblahblah, we're gonna win the World Series this year, you just wait and see, then you'll be sorry, blahblahblah!" He then grabbed two coaches that happened to already be in his office and shoved them in front of him, saying, "You're just lucky these guys are holding me back, otherwise I'd kick your ass!" After a long pause, Manuel broke down, crying uncontrollably and remarked, "If I knew how to be good...I'd definitely be good."

Joey And Timmy Go Toe To Toe In The Schoolyard

2007-04-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

Joey Crawford has been suspended by the NBA for the rest of the 2006-2007 NBA season, including the postseason, for tossing the 'sweetest guy to ever grace a basketball court' (Tim Duncan) in a loss to the Phoenix Suns on Sunday. So he's doing what every grown man should do in these situations - he's called Tim Duncan out. That's right, the gloves are off, the mouthguard is in, and he's ready to throw down. Specifics weren't discussed, and neither agent was reachable, but an anonymous source has mentioned the possibility of a cage fight in Vegas, among other venues and formats. Details are pending, and probably won't be worked out until the end of the NBA season.

It all started when Tim Duncan complained about getting fouled, something he's never done in his 9 seasons in the NBA. "Yeah, I was really surprised. All I said was 'I got fouled'. It's like, the first time I've ever said those words to any ref...maybe ever. Then Rob (Horry) tooted, which made me laugh really hard. Well, Joey just went off on me. He got in my face...well, my knees...and he said, 'you wanna make somethin' of it, huh, huh?' He was spitting on my legs and foaming at the mouth, I thought a vein was going to pop on his forehead his face was so red. Anyway, he continued by saying things like 'up your nose with a rubber hose' and 'sticks and stones may break my bones', obviously very threatening statements, so I responded in kind. I'm not saying I was right, or that I'm proud about some of the things I said back, but it was the heat of the moment," said Duncan. "I told him I was rubber and he was glue, whatever he says bounces of me and sticks to you...not you you, him you. I think I also called him a baldy."

Joey Crawford claims he made no such insults, he just stuck up for short men everywhere. "These 7 foot guys, they think they're so great. They think they can make fun of anybody they want. laughing at you right behind your back. Well, who's laughing now, huh Timmy? I'VE got the whistle, so I'VE GOT THE POWER!" Joey Crawfod momentarily passed out, but continued when he came to, never missing a beat. "I knew he was laughing about my height, my lack of hair, basically about me. It's always about me. Hey, I'm the superstar ref of the league, of course all the players are gonna zone in on me."

When each man was asked who he would bet on in a cage fight, both gave surprising answers. Tim Duncan said, "Are you kidding me? I'm not getting into a cage with that guy. He's eye level with my family jewels, and you know that guy fights dirty. Besides, he's so low to the ground, how do you knock a guy down that's already almost on the ground? Only way I'd fight him is in an open ring. If I can palm his bald head like a basketball, he probably wouldn't get close enough to touch me. Then he'd tire himself out trying to punch me and maybe pass out." Joey Crawford gave a smirk, and replied, "I'd bet on me. He's a pretty boy, probably never been in a fight in his life. I fight dirty, and I've had the best trainer a guy could have - my wife."

Pacman Jones Finally Speaks Out

2007-04-16T09:35:00.000-04:00

After almost a week of silence, Adam 'Pacman' Jones is finally speaking up about the unfair treatment the NFL has given him, promising to appeal the sentence handed down last week. After being suspended for the entirety of the 2007 season, he is claiming that the NFL is unfairly making him an example of off the field behavior that has been rampant for years. "That ain't fair at all man. I went an entire year without being charged for nothin'. I think they're just pickin' on me because I rock the field. What about all those other dudes that have guns and weed and drive drunk? I'm not the only one, man. This is discrimination!"

When it was pointed out that his list of infractions has generally been longer than that of his peers, Pacman noted that he hadn't been charged in any of them, just 'involved'. For instance, the two women whose faces he spit in last summer, all conjecture. "I don't remember spittin' in no chick's face in a nightclub man. I'm usually pretty wasted, so I don't remember too much, but I'm usually pretty respectful of bitches and hoes...for the most part."

He also pointed out that everytime he tries to do something charitable, somebody sabotages it. "I drop money from the ceiling in Vegas for all the hot babes, but what happens? Some idiot starts somethin', things get crazy and I gotta restore peace. That ain't my fault, I'm trying to do somethin' nice, but does anybody remember that? No, all they remember is some nobody getting shot and being paralyzed. I didn't even know the dude who shot him. Sure, he was part of my entourage, but I can't be expected to know all those people."

With incidences ranging from public altercations with parking valets to marijauna possession to weapons charges to being just plain stupid, Jones has said that he will appeal the NFL's 'vilification' of him. adding, "you like that word, vilification? My agent taught me that one, word."

Don Imus Fired

2007-04-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

Deirdre Imus knows her husband is a moron. They've been married for 30 years. So it's no surprise that she's supporting CBS's decision to fire him for the same off the cuff remarks he's been making for years. "I don't know how many times I've kicked Don in the family jewels over the years for calling me his 'bitch' and 'ho'. I kept warning him, that he was going to pay for it someday. Well, someday is here."

When asked to convey how difficult it's been for her, Epiphanny Prince had this to say. "It's been terrible. I'm scarred for life. In 18 years of growing up Brooklyn, I have never once heard racist or sexist remarks made, subtle or overt. To go through a rollercoaster like this over Imus' tirade. I didn't even know who the guy was, he looks like the Crypt Keeper or something. But then, when somebody told me he called us nappy headed hos, I couldn't believe it. I mean, that snowman went off. There was no call for that. He said we all had tattoos. The two crackers don't. And then he said nappy. Then headed. Finally he stopped with hos. But it felt like it would never end. I mean, I called Rashidat a nappy headed ho before, but that bitch slept with my man. So, yeah, it's been rough. They made us go on Oprah...and we've been getting all this press. It's crazy. We didn't even win the championship. But I suppose that was honky's fault too. I accept his apology, I just hope that fool learned his lesson."

Duke Lacrosse Players Not Guilty

2007-04-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

DA prosecuting attorney Mike Lifong apologized today to the the three Duke lacrosse players charged for rape. "I just feel horrible that I may have ruined these young men's lives by doing my job. Their season was cut short, and they can't relive these kinds of life-changing events, even if it is a sport that nobody even gets the point of, much less cares about watching. I just hope that three all American white guys from Duke can get good-paying jobs in this country, so that they can hire some classy strippers in the future and get this bad taste out of their mouths. Fortunately, I don't think that will be a problem, since nobody knows their actual names...not even me. They've simply been, 'the three Duke Lacrosse players'. Kinda like The Three Stooges, or the Three Musketeers."

A friend of a friend of a family member of one of the Duke athletes spoke on condition of anonymity. 'Well, my friend told me that she heard from an in-law of one of the players that it's been really hard this past year for them. They are not racist rapists...hee hee hee, that's hard to say, racist rapists, sounds like a metal group. Anyway, they got drunk, sure, they slapped them around a little, they called them some names, but that's what you do with strippers. Boys will be boys. This isn't about sex or race, they shouldn't be black female strippers if they don't expect a little of that. It's just a shame that these boys had to go through so much. Being dragged from courtroom to courtroom, having to wear suits all the time, sometimes in courtrooms with no working A/C. They're just really tired of trials, and lawyers, and judges. So they're going to sue the crap out of Lifong. Might as well get a payday for this while they can, since they won't be able to work for any Fortune 500 companies...at least not until this whole thing blows over in a month or two."

When confronted with this point of view, one stripper responded. "We're not selling sex to drunken, horny athletes here...we're selling the idea of sex. There's a big difference." Asked if they feel bad for possibly ruining these young men's careers, the other stripper claimed that their careers have suffered too. "Since this thing happened, our business has taken a nose-dive. Nobody wants lap dances anymore because they want to avoid confusion. That was our bread and butter...the lap dances, not the confusion. Also, guys don't get as wasted anymore, which really cuts down on unnecessarily high tipping. Fortunately, nobody really knows our names either. We're just 'the strippers', which is fine by us...because really...that's what we are."

Yankee Fans Refuse To Stop Booing Arod

2007-04-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

NY, NY - Yankee's SS Alex Rodriguez, after starting the first 6 games of the 2007 MLB season with 6 HRs showed just why he's so deserving of drawing nightly boos from the NY crowd. In last night's 5-1 loss to the Twins, Rodriguez went 1 for 3, with 1 RBI on a sac fly. After the game, he was asked to identify why he's struggling to stay consistent so far this season. "Well, Derek and I used to be real close, we used to have sleepovers, like, 8 times a week. Now, he only invites me over, two, maybe three times a week." Arod stopped for a moment to collect himself, wiping a tear from his eye, but pretending there was something in it by continuing to rub throughout the rest of his statement. "It hurts my feelings...I think that's affected my confidence some. Also, I'm used to being in hostile territory at home, so I've come to count on the boos. It's a timing thing. The fans in this ballpark have been real nice to me...too nice. It's unnerving." Johnny Damon then walked past Arod, suddenly screaming straight into his ear "Aiiiiiiaiiiiaiiiiiaiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!" while jerking his head like a chicken, then continued on as if nothing happened. Arod looked at the reporter and said, laughing, "That's Johnny, he's so crazy, L - O -L. I don't understand half of what he says, but he gets me in stiches every time he jokes."

Back in NYC, a group of Yankee fans were stopped on their way to boo at a Mets game. They were asked why Arod's HRs this year just don't cut it. "Well, we're paying the guy 50 gazillion dollars a year--" The reporter cut in, "Actually, it's 25 million a year." The inebriated fan ripped the mike out of the reporter's hand, threw it to the ground and yelled, slurring his words, "Don't matter, 5 trillion or 250 million a year, we're payin' him a buttload a cash, he needs to hit at least one HR a game...maybe even 3!" The rest of the fan's entourage then proceeded to boo the reporter through his next question. "What will it take for you to stop booing Arod and get behind him?" "Simple," replied one fan toward the back, donning a sand suede Yankees cap. "Average at least 2 HRs a game this season, and win a few championships. Not just for the Yankees, but the Knicks and the Giants too." When asked whether they'd be happy with just one for the Yankees, they all booed louder. Then someone said, "Us Yankees have won, like, 37 championships in the past 25 years. It's time to start winning a bunch more..." passing out on the street while finishing her sentence. Another fan tried to add a comment but instead threw up on the reporter's shoes, ending the interview.

Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan Caught Smiling

2007-04-12T11:05:00.000-04:00

SLC, Utah - Although he didn't show it, Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan was brimming with pride at his team's latest accomplishment. With a somber, straight face he responded to questions from the media after last night's home loss to the Denver Nuggets. "I'm just happy this season. You know, when we had Stockton and Malone, we were expected to win. Between Malone's elbows and Stockton's dirty play, we could count on a few opposing guys going down or at least getting thrown out. Plus, the half-court style of play we had used to bore our opponents to tears. But now, we don't have any old dudes or superstars...Kirilenko might have been one, but the bastard keeps getting injured. You know, back in my day, you played through injuries. Broken finger? Easy. We just lopped the thing off, wrapped it and got back on the court. Hell, we used to smoke during timeouts. You try running up and down that court with lung cancer or emphysema. THAT'S tough."

When steered back on track, Sloan was asked why he would be happy his team is on a five game losing streak. He had this to say. "It's all part of our strategy. You gotta look at the big picture. Taking it one game at a time is really just a buncha bullcrap we say to get you guys off our backs. Thing is, if we beat teams we shouldn't, then lose against teams we should beat, teams don't know what the hell to expect. It throws them off, gives us an advantage you can't buy. Look, we beat Phoenix 3 times, split with Dallas, Detroit and SA. Now you look at this past losing streak. We lost to Seattle, Portland, Sacramento, Golden State, and Denver. Now, Denver's hot right now, but we were at home. And those other teams? Peeeeeyeeeewwww! They belong in the Eastern Conference, that's how much they suck."

So what exactly is the game plan at this point? Well, Sloan wasn't sure, he seemed kind of confused at the question, then gave an answer. "Well, we've had two four game losing streaks this season. I told these guys, if you dig deep, I know you can extend this streak past 4. And whadaya know? For once as the coach of the Jazz, I got my wish. Now, if we continue losing, we could conceivably drop to the #7 seed and face Phoenix, who we beat three times already this year. We got their number baby. That's a sweet matchup in my book." Reminded that he was locked in at the #4 seed as the Northwest Division leader, the smile left Sloan's face as he told the reporter "You have stupid hair...we done here?", then turned and walked away. But we did see a smile...for a moment.

Waltrip No Longer Safe Driver

2007-04-12T10:46:00.000-04:00

NASCAR driver Michael Waltrip had been a safe driver for 25 years...until now. After failing to report falling asleep at the wheel and running into a telephone pole at 2 AM in the morning, the very tired Waltrip commented. "I never expected to fall asleep at the wheel like that. A DUI or illegal possession of an unlicensed rifle, even road rage, but never just plain falling asleep. And then to compound an embarrassing situation by not reporting it. All I can think to say is that I probably sleptwalked the rest of the way home, but that is no excuse. Believe me, I paid for it. To see my baby wrapped around a telephone pole like that, and to then have to walk home without calling the police. It was only a mile, but it feels like 100 when you're tan---er, tired."

When asked how this will affect his career and whether he feels he deserves to be docked in NASCAR points, Waltrip had this to say. "Well, I'm ranked 54 right now...what's a drop in points gonna do? More importantly, I just want to reiterate that I've always been a courteous driver who always drives the speed limit...except when I'm racing cars...on a track...for money. I'm even careful in school zones. I once stopped in the middle of a highway to let a family of ducks walk across. If that ain't safe drivin', I don't know what is."

Golfers Upset Over 'Tiger-Proofing' Masters

2007-04-11T16:04:00.000-04:00

Golfers are reportedly upset about a Master's course that was "Tiger-proofed" to level the playing field. The problem? Making it harder for Tiger made it twice as hard for everybody else. "It's really unfair," said Woods. "The fans come to see me kick ass, not some overnight sensation nobody knows get lucky because he played less bad than the rest of us. Golf is already boring as hell, we don't need a tougher course to make it more boring. If I want that, I'll just do the US Open twice. To have the winner hit what he's supposed to hit to win...that's just ridiculous. All I can say is, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. That's how rough it was out there this year. The wind, the length, the cold. You don't expect that in a pussy sport like golf...no offense to women...but I might have to go to my massuese extra this week."

Zach Johnson apologized repeatedly, trying to hand his green jacket to Tiger, telling him "Tiger, you da man" over and over. Tiger, as well as the rest of the field, refused to even look at Johnson, much less talk to him. "He'll get his, that's all I'm gonna say," remarked Singh, briskly walking away as Zack Johnson ran after him, begging for his autograph. Zach soon came back, without an autograph, telling the press he feels just awful about winning, especially because it was at the expense of Tiger Woods. "I deserved the cold shoulder there. I've never felt so rotten about anything in my life. I came to this sport to be ranked, at best, 50 in the world. I never expected to take a championship, especially from Tiger. My coach and my family, even my caddy told me there was a limit to what I was supposed to accomplish. Now I've embarrassed myself, my family and friends, the fine sport of golf, and all those fans of Tiger's. I want to kick my own ass right now."

As people were leaving the match, a random fan was asked about it. "Well...I don't really even care about this sport...if you can call it that. I just came because I got a free ticket and I'm tryin' to impress my ole lady's dad. He's ape nuts about golf. Personally, I think it's stupid. Buncha old men takin' a million years to hit a little ball into a hole in the ground. Then they take two hours to walk to the next hole. It takes more time to walk than to actually play. Now they're cryin' about how tough it is. Give me a break. Allow tacklin' and then they'll see how tough it is." Donning a green Jets jersey and a double-barrelled beer hat, he then mooned the camera and stumbled off in a drunken stupor.

Pacman, Henry Receive Stiff Punishments

2007-04-11T13:07:00.000-04:00

Adam 'Pacman' Jones, the fiery defender for the Tennessee Titans, will miss the entire 2007 NFL season due to his punishment for repeated run-ins with the law. When asked to comment on this, Pacman responded, "Gobble, gobble, I'll eat you ALL on the field this year!" as he took a drag from what could only be described as a 'phat blunt' and threw several $1 bills up in the air. When his bodyguard reminded him of his punishment by whispering in his ear, he was taken aback, exclaiming, "Say WHAT? What'd I do?" After about 20 minutes of railing off the list of laws he's broken over the past 2 seasons, Pacman simply replied, "Yeah, and your point?"

Reporters then decided to shift their focus to Chris Henry's stiff punishment of 8 games for off the field behavior. Henry had this to say: "Listen, I don't understand what the big deal is. Tank Johnson got to play in the friggin' superbowl after they found a million rounds of amo and 57 semi-automatic weapons in his home. I get one DUI speeding without a license, get caught with a concealed weapon, and have a party with some underage girls and next thing I know, I'm missin' half a season. Hey, those chicks told me they were over 21, I had no reason to not believe them. Besides, they were HOT. You woulda done the same thing."

Chris Henry then excused himself, calmly pulling a firearm out of his pants and yelling at a fan to get the bleep away from his SUV. Pacman Jones, wanting to be heard, came back over droopy-eyed to make another statement...or question as it were. "Yo, dude, hold up, the WHOLE season? You talkin' 'bout all 13 games?" We didn't have the heart to correct him. When asked what he would do with himself during the season, he took a long drag. Paused. And then responded, "What was the question?"

Bernie Bickerstaff Livid Over Bobcat's Win

2007-04-11T10:22:00.000-04:00

Charlotte, NC - Coach Bickerstaff is furious. Furious that his team just beat last year's NBA champs-twice in a row. Furious that they have won 4 of 6 games in April. Furious that they in a three-way tie for 10th place in the East. "This is NOT what we talked about at the beginning of the season. This was not the game plan. I don't understand what's so hard about losing games! I told these guys, look, we can be the best at being the worst, seriously, think about it. I even tried to make it fun, telling them to treat the season like a long game of lowball poker. They obviously didn't listen, because we've been winning."

Concerned about getting one of the two future Hall of Famers in next year's draft, Bickerstaff reminded the press that this is Michael Jordan's team, and he commands excellence. He was momentarily interrupted by Adam Morrison when he streaked naked through the press room, blurting out, "I'm on Michael Jordan's team, ROCK ON!" and then proceeded to double-flip someone outside of the room off, running after them. After shaking his head in regret, Bickerstaff continued. "We had a rare opportunity to get Oden or Durant, two of the most proven Hall of Famers to ever come out of college. Now, to put it mildly, we're screwed for another year."

When asked in the locker room, what the problem has been, Derek Anderson summed it up in two words. Adam Morrison. "Have you looked at that dude? He looks like a really jacked-up Ringo Starr on drugs. He's playing like we're trying to get into the playoffs or something. Coach said at the beginning of the season that it was a simple system we had. Just don't try. And what does the kid do? Goes out and tries. Every damn night. It's really getting on my nerves. Fortunately, he's injured now, but he'll probably still try to play"

A silent Brevin Knight sat on his hands in one corner of the locker room, an idiotic grin from ear to ear on his face. When asked why he was so happy, he responded, "Hey, I'm the second highest paid player on the team, and I'm not averaging double figures in any category. I scored 2 points in two wins this month, I'm doing exactly what coach asked. In fact, I may just be the most unproductive player on this team when you consider how many minutes I average and what I make. You know what that makes me, don't you?" After a pause, he answered his own question. "The most valuable player on the team."

Jimmy Rollins Not Sorry

2007-04-11T09:43:00.000-04:00

NY, NY - Jimmy Rollins is not sorry about comments made before the 2007 MLB season started. "What do I have to be sorry about?" said Jimmy to a New York reporter after Monday's blow-out loss to the Mets. "Well, the comment made you look like sort of a silly ass-clown given the start you've had this season, Jimmy" retorted the reporter. Jimmy stared blankly into the reporter's eyes for several seconds, then started aimlessly rambling about how the Phillies needed to change their team colors to black on black because cherry red was a 'gay' color. When he snapped out of it, he said defensively, "Hey, we are still the team to beat, I said it before, and I'll say it again. It's early yet. We've got the best group of guys in the NL, maybe all of baseball...except for our bullpen".

After Jimmy was reminded of their 1-6 start, including a key error made by him and blowing a lead to the Mets on opening day at Shea, Jimmy went back to complaining about the team colors, adding that they need a better mascot. "What the hell is a Phillie anyway? I mean, is it a person, place, or thing? I'm on the team, and I can't tell you, that should say how stupid it is. I mean, who's going to be afraid of a Phillie anyway? We should be gangsters, or pirates, or...ooo ooo ooo, I know, BOOGEYMEN..." Jimmy continued talking to himself in the dugout, while the reporter quietly excused himself. An anonymous source claims that teammates Howard and Utley carried him back to the visitor's clubhouse while he was sucking his thumb in the fetal position several hours later.