Clemens To Save Yankees

After an eternity of futility and frustration for the NY Yankees in 2007, Roger Clemens announced he would be returning to the Bronx to win a championship for the team he used to play for. Asked if he finally has the pieces of the puzzle to return to former glory, owner George Steinbrenner said, "No doubt about it. We finally fired that strength and conditioning coach, I don't even remember his name, after he caused all those injuries to most of our starting pitching lineup. I mean, he worked at a country club and never had any major league experience. What was he thinking accepting a job and a phat check from us? He shouldn't have taken the job if he was unqualified."

A teary eyed Steinbrenner continued. "Mr. Roger is back...I'm just so happy...a championship is guaranteed with him in the lineup. He's bigger than God. Even the Beatles. He's worth every penny of the $18 million we're throwing at him. I'm already paying that hack superstar $25 million, what's another 18? It's all just money anyways, life is about championships."

Petite had a smile from ear to ear, also wiping tears away to say, "My big brother is coming home, I can't wait to give him a big, sloppy kiss...I mean, hug. If we could just get El Duque back, we'd be complete. I heart Roger."

Fans almost caused a riot in the streets after the 5-0 win over the Seattle Mariners because of the news, yelling the lyrics to the Elton John song "Rocketman". One fan screamed "What NOW, Boston, what NOW?" repeatedly while jumping on the hood of a car until he was pepper-sprayed by its owner.

When asked how his new pitching lineup would look, Torre thought for a moment. "Let's see...I haven't figured it all out yet, but I imagine we'll go with Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Mussina, Clemens." "What about Wang, Hughes, and the fact that Mussina is still on the DL?" questioned the reporter." "Well, Wang's still got that hangnail he's dealing with, who knows when that'll heal. Hughes hurt his hamstring, but now that we have Superman back, I'll think we'll let the kid go back and develop some more. Oh, yeah, and Mussina's still hurt, forgot about that. Sorry, Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Petitte, Clemens. Of course, I'll change it to Clemens, Petitte, Clemens, Mussina, Clemens after Mike gets better. That answer your question?" Torre concluded with a smile.

The reporter smiled back, not having the heart to tell Joe that Clemens plans on commuting from Houston to NY every 5th day for his starts, and won't be available that often.