Race Still Issue in Basketball, Baseball

In a shocking realization of the American sports world, ESPN writers and college researchers have once again exposed the fact that race is still a problem in sports.

In the NBA, a study showed that white refs tend to call fouls on black players more often than white, and that black refs call more fouls on white players. "Even though 72% of the players in the NBA are black, and even though we based our information on 'referee teams', rather than on the actual referees themselves, this is still a very conclusive study," said Justin Wolfers. "This is not about being racist, or having prejudice, this is about giving preferential treatment to somebody because of the color of their skin. The facts are all there, we just compiled them and released it to the press." He also added that he isn't really a fan of sports, but that all those stats just looked 'fun', so he spent his spring break doing the study. "Fort Lauderdale is stupid anyway, who needs the sunburn?" concluded the Cornell graduate student.

In major league baseball, an ESPN poll showed that 74% of black people want Bonds to break the all time home run record, while only 21% of white people do. In a professional sport that is 60% white, 29% latino and 9% black in America, that is saying something. "Yeah, it says you idiots got nothin' better to do than sit around typin' stuff into your computers. Start a blog like me and maybe people will take you more seriously," commented Curt Schilling, the starting pitcher for the Boston Red Sox who has recently been critical of Bonds. "Look, all these percentages and numbers don't mean crap. If a guy cheated on his wife and admitted it, if he doped and admitted it, he shouldn't be allowed to play, much less break any record, I don't care if he's black, brown, red, yellow, or orange. If he started a blog like me, he'd feel better about all this."

"It's really quite simple," says ESPN's Jayson Stark with a smile. "52% of the 85% of whites who watch the 9% of blacks that play a game dominated by 60% of whites with 29% of latinos who don't seem to matter right now because 74% of the 30% of blacks that even watch the game of baseball don't hope that Bonds breaks the record, which is surprising when you consider the fact that 37% of the 28% of whites that actually don't want him to break the record are in complete contrast."

A red-faced David Stern foamed at the suggestion that refs show racial bias. "Racist?!?!? RACIST?!?! Look, I hear or see anyone even remotely thinking racist thoughts, I'll fine and suspend them, like that! I will suspend them for the rest of the playoffs, and if they're not in the playoffs, for most of next season, player, coach, front office, anybody! Are you being racist?! I'll fine and suspend YOU too!" David paused for a moment, taking a sip of water with three or four pills. He then continued in a very quiet and calm manner. "We have done some extensive studies, in fact one that I'm very proud of that, coincidentally was released immediately following the idioti--the one you just mentioned. In it, we show that we have set a record for most minority VPs and league office personnel. I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, so I can't tell you, but it was a record. We should probably be in some sports Hall of Fame somewhere."

When informed that the percentage was 15% for VPs and 34% for league office personnel, which is not very high, Stern silently smiled back and said, "Yes...but that's better than 14% and 33% respectively, isn't it?"