Calvin Johnson Is The Answer

Detroit Lions starting QB Jon Kitna sat with his arms behind his head and his feet propped up, as he took a bubble-bath in the Lions facility Tuesday morning while holding a press conference.

"I think you all know why I invited you here," said a cocky Kitna, a huge grin on his face. "In March, I predicted this team would win 10 games, but I'd like to rescind that. I was wrong. We aren't going to win 10 games, we're going to win...you ready for this? We're going to win...MORE than ten games. WOOHOO!"

Jon then jumped up and started doing what could only be described as some sort of non-rhythmical, chicken scratch jig. Fortunately, there was bubble bath covering most of his body, but it was not a pretty picture. After sitting back down because he almost slipped, he continued.

"I had a record year last year. Over 4,200 yards, 21 TDs, 62% completion rate, and that was with nobody receivers. Now, with Calvin Johnson here, we are going to take over the world--"

A reporter cut in, "What about the 22 interceptions you had, or the 79.9 subpar QB rating? Those are horrible numbers"

The smile went away from Kitna's face. 'You think you can do better, you four-eyed...four eyes! I still got more TDs than interceptions, why you pissin' in my Cheerios man? Dangit, now I lost my train of thought...where was I? Oh, Calvin Johnson...This guy is like...a god. He's just going to make me better. The best part? If I start sucking again, I can just call an audible that puts him in the backfield, give him the ball and let him take the fall. After all, he's SUPPOSED to be good, right?"

Then a reporter started to press, asking Kitna exactly how many games over 10 they'll win. Kitna seemed stumped for a moment, counting on both hands the number of games he thought they had this season.

"Well, let's see, we play some scrimmages in camp, then the pre-season is 4, then there's regular season, playoffs...(long pause). Ummm...we'll I ain't no mathmetician, but I know we can win at least half of those games. I know we're gonna win all our scrimmages, and maybe some pre-season games, that's about 14, 15, ain't it?"