Specter Cleaning House

Arlen Specter, the Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, is tired of the corruption in the professional sports, and he's bound and determined to clean it up starting with the NFL. Following close on the heels of his latest promise to further investigate NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's actions regarding 'Spygate', he rolled out a few more issues he'd like to investigate which have no actual bearing on anything of importance today.

"Well, I've always dreamed of having my own congressional hearings in order to prove my self worth, so I guess my dream is finally coming true. Little late in life, but better late then never, right? Besides Spygate, I'd like to look into the December 3rd Monday Night game the Pats played against the Ravens, where refs clearly decided the game to protect their perfect record. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who sees that these games are fixed? I'm also still pretty steamed about that damned 'tuck' rule when the Pats beat the Raiders in the playoffs back in 2001. Tom Brady fumbled that ball, everybody knows it. I plan to track down each and every one of the players, coaches, and referees, even the fans if need be, that participated in that game, because I'm sure there was some 'funny business' going on," said a rageful Specter.

He started to get red-faced, spluttering about how the Mets got Johann Santana in a crooked deal, asking why the 76ers gave up AI for 'a bunch of nobodies from the state of Denver' last year, and how the 76ers were robbed in the 2001 NBA finals against the Lakers, railing off a list of supposed conspiracies against Pennsylvania-based teams dating back to the 50s.

When Roger Goodell was asked to respond to Mr. Specter's allegations, he responded soberly. "I'm happy to meet with Mr. Specter on any and all of these issues any time he'd like and for however long he'd like." Then, thinking that he had cleared the microphones of reporters, was quoted as saying, "Yeah, and we'll spend the next 15 years talking about why all of his crappy Pennsylvania teams suck and can't get near a championship. That guy needs to get a life or get laid or something. This is exactly why I'm voting Democrat this year."

Several hours later, when Mr. Goodell was asked about his comments, he simply replied with a straight face, "I'd be happy to sit down with you later and discuss the details of this issue for as long as you'd like."