Jeter Admits 'It's Time To Panic'

In a surprising admission, Yankee's SS Derek Jeter has claimed that his team should be panicking at this point. After the Yanks dropped their 8th game out of the last 9 Sunday evening, a reporter asked Jeter "Is it time to panic?" Derek had this to say:

"Oh, definitely...I'm panicked. I mean, it's already May, and even though we have 140 games left in the season, being this far under .500 is totally uncool. I can't remember being on a team that sucked so bad so early. I think Arod should be traded and Torre should be fired. In fact, if I were George (Steinbrenner), I think I'd sell the team. That, or we should throw crazy money at the Rocket to come back to us. To not win a championship in, what has it been, 6 years? Sure, we've won a lot of games, and we always make the playoffs, but who cares if you don't get the ring? It don't mean a thing, if you ain't got that ring. Anything less is for chumps...guys like you, you know?"

Roger Clemens has been enjoying his time off from baseball, watching 'lots of Nascar and getting plenty of rest' as three teams clamour over him to return to baseball. Roger was busy with "off-season workouts", but his agent, Randy Hendricks, made a statement on his behalf. "I am enjoying lots of NASCAR and the NRA playoffs. What? Oh, sorry, pizza stain. That's supposed to be NBA playoffs. Boy, that Yao and McGrady sure are fun to watch...don't know about those other guys, but they are A-OK...anywho, also recently discovered this Frito-Lay Snack pack that includes all my favorites - Doritos, SunChips, pretzels, and Cheetos - all in one bag. It's awesome man. Ummmm, yeah, oh baseball, yeah. OK, so, since I can pretty much take as much time off and still be welcomed back to baseball with open arms and phat loads of money, I may not play this season...Or maybe I'll wait until I see which team is closest to a championship, then I'll join them. I learned my lesson after last season. Boy was that a waste. 7-6 record with Houston, peeeeeeyoouu! I might just sit on my couch for a few more years, then come back. Maybe around 2010-2011. Hey, that dude from the Mets is still playing at 48, why not me?"