In a controversial move applauded by many, NFL commish Roger Goodell has set up a required meeting on the subject of concussions for team doctors and trainers from all 32 teams. The decision comes as a result of concerns raised by former players who have physically suffered from concussions after retiring. "We're just trying to cover our a...bases here, with regards to guys that want to sue the NFL and get some kind of compensation for not knowing how to do anything but play football...I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the retired players that suffer, but we really want to get to the bottom of this. It's unfair to blame football and the NFL specifically. For example, does a guy have a brain injury because of those hard hits he took to the head? Or is it a result of just being really stupid? Does a guy have constant headaches because he was sacked from behind 78 times? Or is it because his wife constantly nags him in retirement? We don't know, so we're trying to bring together the greatest minds in the world to figure that out."
Raider's owner Al Davis was disgusted with Goodell's idea, calling him a 'boy scout' in an army. "It's ridiculous. In my day, there were fewer pads, and no doctors or trainers out there. If you lost a finger or a limb, you just iced it, taped it up, got back on the field, and went to the emergency room after the game! Bunch a pansies these days. Football's a contact sport, guys are gonna get their bells rung. If ya can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If ya can't handle the cold, don't play in the...wowsy wowser, you get a look at that rack? She must be, I don't know, 19, 20 years old...yeah, glad Moss is gone...interview's over, gotta run." With that, Davis put his hoveround in 2nd, and went to meet his future wife.
Some team doctors, though, found the idea of the meeting refreshing and long overdue. On condition of anonymity, one team doctor said, "I think it's great. About time we got some more training on concussions. The basic physics of two 6'6" 250 pound men hitting each other at full speed and all those years of medical school didn't really cover the basics of the long term effects of concussions. I'm hoping to learn a lot of new things here."
A team trainer concurred. "Yeah, it's much needed. Often times, you're out there on the field, in the heat of the moment, and you just want your team to win so danged badly, you forget that these are real people with real brains in their noggins...well, some of 'em. Seeing scientific figures and graphs and hearing a lot of medical jargon that I won't understand on the subject is definitely going to make me think twice about sending a guy back out on the field after he gets a concussion...unless, of course, it's an important player, like a starting QB or a running back or star wide receiver. Then we'll just have to take our chances."
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