Nellie Unsure if He'll Return To Coach Warriors

After losing to the Jazz in the second round of the 2007 NBA playoffs, a slurring Don Nelson stumbled into the Warriors' training facility to answer questions about his future. Donning an Orlando Magic hat that didn't match the bright red workout suit he was wearing, he looked his chipper, albeit usual shaky self.

"Next question!" he shouted out, pointing a shaky finger in the general direction of the press after taking a quick sip of the beverage hidden by the brown bag he was clutching.

"Coach, will you be back next season, and if so, do you plan on trying to get any specific players to help [Baron] Davis and Harrington?" shot out one reporter.

"Well, (clearing his throat) that's a good question (squinting at the name badge) Boob...Bab...Bob, sorry, Bob. (Long pause, gulp of beverage) Bill, I'm not sure I have anything else to offer this team other than the haphazard game plan of shooting a non-stop barrage of threes that may or may not go in, and running around like crazy headless chickens. So, I'm not sure another cheap shot thug is gonna help. Next question!"

"So, does that mean you'll be moving on to another crappy team that has nowhere to go but up, or will you be retiring?"

Confused by the question, Don took a sip then carefully answered. "I'm not sure I understand the question, but I'll say this. You have a very nice haircut. And, not to be sexist...(taking a drink) but that is a very pretty dress; makes your buttocks look nice and round, can I get a little wha wha? (laughing to himself) Next question (finger flailing)!"

"Nellie, considering the success you had as a team this season, on top of the fact that you have a very loud crowd of fans, is there any reason you wouldn't seriously consider coming back?"

Don, with his finger in the air while he chugged the rest of his beverage, finally answered. "Sorry, thirsty. (burp) Excuse me. Ummmm...first off, Nellie is a girl's name. Don't know if you noticed, but I'm not a girl...I'm a woman, hee hee (laughing to self). No, but seriously...I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"It seems like it would be a no-brainer to come back to a team that overacheived and had a great group of fans."

(Cracking open another brown-bagged beverage) "Excuse me, I'm on a liquid protein diet, and I am starving. Uhhhh, yeah. Truth is, guys, we were flat out lucky this season. I mean, to have the April we had, I seriously didn't think we could do it. I didn't have any good victory speeches or anything. I don't really have organized practices. So, imagine my surprise when we won all those games and made the 8th spot. I honestly didn't think we could beat Dallas, but I guess we match up really well against them. Who knew? The Dirk voodoo doll helped too, hahaha. (Big swig). Anywho...to answer your question, I'm not sure I can do any better than this. For most, going out on top would be winning a championship then quitting. But for me, this is about as good as it gets these days. Next question!"