Roddick Accused Of Juicing

It all makes sense now. After blazing to the top ten of men's tennis in 2001, Andy Roddick has been anything but the expectation of what he was supposed to be by now. For the third time in as many years, Roddick has been ousted from the French Open in the first round. Looking at the latest issue of Men's Health magazine, it's easy to see why. Just weeks ago (see picture, right), a limber and lanky young man, capable of moving across the court with lightening speed, Roddick looks like he's put on 30 pounds of muscle (see picture, left), which would slow anybody down.

"He's got to be taking steroids, he owes us all an apology." said Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees. Barry Bonds declined to comment, claiming he didn't know what the sport of tennis was. Curt Schilling wrote a two page post about it on his blog, 38 pitches, but nobody could make heads or tails of what he was saying, much less had the time to read it all.

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer both agreed that it was next to impossible to gain that much muscle in a two week period of time, but also admitted that they'd never tried it, so it would be unfair of them to comment further. Federer did make a joke about the speculation however. "If he took performance-enhancing drugs, Number Three should ask for his money back, eh Raffi?" Nadal giggled for several minutes, unable to add a comment.

A spokesman from Men's Heath magazine said that he didn't see any other explanation for the sudden 'huge guns, massive neck, and defined pecs' on Roddick's thinner frame.

"We certainly didn't photoshop the pic, if that's what you're suggesting," said a defensive Richard Dumass. "We just take the pic and do the interview, maybe you should ask Andy what he's putting in his coffee."

Andy Roddick's coach, tennis legend Jimmy Connors, smirked and gave us the finger, then walked away refusing to comment. Doug Spreen, his athletic trainer said, "Just read the interview, it's all there. He talks about his impossible physical training regimen through 227 acres of mountainous terrain and wild preserve he calls "The Basin". If that doesn't bulk someone up, I don't know what will. I keep telling Andy if he doesn't slow up and pace himself on that workout regimen, he's gonna build up too much muscle. Judging from the cover, it looks like our worse fears have come true...well, that and the fact that he can't seem to beat anybody good these days."