Utah Fans Show Their Appreciation

Following their heartbreaking game 4 home loss against the Spurs, Utah fans showed their appreciation for the far superior Spurs by throwing noise-makers, empty cool-aid cups, and foamed #1 hands. The Spurs players and coaching staff, fearing for their lives, ran into the visitors' locker room, declining to do post game interviews.

"We feared for our lives," said coach Gregg Popovich. "Those Utah fans are insane. A plastic cup almost hit me in the face. I could've lost an eye."

Referee Steve Javie concurred, adding "If the fan could have actually thrown better, he might have hit me with one of his noisemakers. Fortunately, they're filled with air and it's next to impossible to get it to travel further than a few feet. Still, if that had hit me in the head, it might have messed up my hair, maybe even given me a concussion."

Tim Duncan was focusing on other things, like retribution for the past.

"Utah is the dirtiest team ever. Between John Stockton and his dirty picks, and Malone's elbows and knees, I barely made any shots."

After a confused reporter pointed out that Stockton and Malone haven't played together against Tim Duncan's Spurs since 2003, Tim Duncan replied, "I know...they're still dirty."

"All I have to say is, IN YOUR FACE, Derek Fisher! Doesn't look like you're going to score a buzzer beater on us THIS time, like in 2004! You're not on the Lakers anymore!" added Duncan. "That series should have been tied, and we should have gone to the finals that year. But I'm not dwelling on it...EAT me, Karl!"

A disgusted Utah Jazz fan that had already ran out of things to throw, pulled a container of Carmex out of her front pocket and threw it at Bruce Bowen, barely missing his leg. "God and Joseph Smith will SMITE you down, you bastard! We are good Christians who belong to the right and true church, DIE you athiest!"

Bruce Bowen later contended that the fan was aiming for his right achilles, attempting to injure him for game 5, so they would have a chance to win in San Antonio and get the series back to Utah. "These fans have always been dirty. Coaches and players have been complaining about them for years. If that doesn't tell you it's true, what does?"

When reporters asked coach Sloan how he felt about the technical calls on himself and Fisher late in the game, he got up and started crowding 3 reporters' space, flailing his arms and hands in their faces, bumping them and saying, "Hey, do you like that, that seem like a fair way to play? Look at me, my name's Manu, I'm a really great player from Argentina, look at me, I'm a hustler, I play hard-nosed D, aren't I talented?" Sloan then threw himself on the ground, acted as if he had a seizure, and got up screaming, "Charge, CHARGE, TECHNICAL!" After straightening his tie, suit and hair, he calmly continued. "But no, I think the refs did a great job. I don't think you can say calling 25 fouls on the home team, compared to 2 on the Spurs in the 4th quarter of the biggest game in the series a disparity. Nah, I wouldn't call that preferential treatment...I'm being sarcastic now, can you hear the sarcasm?" Then Sloan quickly declined to comment further because it would 'just get him into more trouble.'

Now down 1-3 and going back to San Antonio for game 5, the Utah Jazz have little chance of pushing this series to 7, much less winning. Jazz forward Kirilenko still has hope though.

"I want play 45 minutes in game. If I get 8 blocks and score 50 points, I think we win. I just hope my teammates belief in me, so I play well. They need me play well to win. I promise I show up for this game, just give me chance coach. I want prove I not weak or 'motional...I not cry, I have something in my eye!" said a defiant Kirilenko, clearing what seemed to be tears from his eyes.