King James Can't Decide

A sweaty Lebron James sat in front of his locker Wednesday night surrounded by reporters after his Cleveland Cavaliers lost game 2 against the Pistons. Visibly upset, he shook his head in dismay, as reporters repeatedly rephrased the same question. Why didn't you pass it to an open man? Why take that shot? What were you thinking? Why do you think you missed?

To understand the premise of these questions, we need to go back to Monday night's game one, which had the exact same result as game 2, a 79-76 Cleveland loss. Down by two and driving to the basket, James passed the ball to an open Donyell Marshall for an open three to win the game. Marshall missed the shot, and James was rightly criticized for arrogantly trying to be like Magic Johnson.

Michael Wilbon of ESPN's PTI was exasperated, saying "WHY would you pass in that situation? What, suddenly you want to be a 'thoughtful' teammate? This isn't a team sport! It's one on one matchups, iso scoring, that's what I pay to see...if I was paying. Tony, if I see one more 'superstar' pass up an opportunity to make or miss a last minute shot, I'm going to scream...except for Stephon Marbury, that little ##### needs to give up the rock, because that boy's never seen a shot he didn't like"

Fast forward to Thursday evening. Down by one, with a chance to win with a two pointer, James drives in the lane, gets double teamed, fouled, and misses the shot, losing game 2 for his team by the same score. Now, he's being judged for trying to be too much 'like Mike'.

"It's quite clear to me," said coach Mike Brown, "that Mr. King Superstar doesn't know when to pass and when not to. He's selfish, he's not selfish, I mean, come on man, make up your mind. He needs to stop trying to be like Magic or Michael and invent a new way to win the ball game. That's what 'superstars' do. He's thinking he only has two options in that circumstance. But if he were creative, he would come up with a third."

Most analysts agree, citing that the man is 22 years old already, he should know better.

"You aren't Michael Jordan, PASS the ball!" says Jay Mariotti of ESPN's 'Around the Horn'." Woody Paige, who often disagrees with Mariotti, surprised everyone by agreeing, launching into a red-faced tirade. "Yeah, in the first game, you have to understand that you aren't Magic Johnson, you gotta take that shot. In this circumstance, you have to realize you're not Michael Jordan. You gotta PASS it! You're not either, and you never will be! When is this guy gonna learn how to play in this league? It's nauseating!"

James has taken a Tracy McGrady approach, claiming that people are right, that the losses rest squarely on his shoulders. He is going to lock himself in his walk-in closet until Game 3 and just bounce the basketball and brainstorm on new ways to win.

"People are right, this team consists of me, myself, and I, like the commercials I do. The other four guys on the team are pretty lame, so they're obviously not going to get it done. Everybody expects you to either pass, or shoot in those circumstances, but neither one of those things have worked. I need to come up with a new thing, something nobody's ever done, not even Magic or Michael. I'm done trying to impersonate past superstars. It's all on my shoulders, if we win or lose, and I think that's how it should be."