Duke Lacrosse Players Not Guilty

DA prosecuting attorney Mike Lifong apologized today to the the three Duke lacrosse players charged for rape. "I just feel horrible that I may have ruined these young men's lives by doing my job. Their season was cut short, and they can't relive these kinds of life-changing events, even if it is a sport that nobody even gets the point of, much less cares about watching. I just hope that three all American white guys from Duke can get good-paying jobs in this country, so that they can hire some classy strippers in the future and get this bad taste out of their mouths. Fortunately, I don't think that will be a problem, since nobody knows their actual names...not even me. They've simply been, 'the three Duke Lacrosse players'. Kinda like The Three Stooges, or the Three Musketeers."

A friend of a friend of a family member of one of the Duke athletes spoke on condition of anonymity. 'Well, my friend told me that she heard from an in-law of one of the players that it's been really hard this past year for them. They are not racist rapists...hee hee hee, that's hard to say, racist rapists, sounds like a metal group. Anyway, they got drunk, sure, they slapped them around a little, they called them some names, but that's what you do with strippers. Boys will be boys. This isn't about sex or race, they shouldn't be black female strippers if they don't expect a little of that. It's just a shame that these boys had to go through so much. Being dragged from courtroom to courtroom, having to wear suits all the time, sometimes in courtrooms with no working A/C. They're just really tired of trials, and lawyers, and judges. So they're going to sue the crap out of Lifong. Might as well get a payday for this while they can, since they won't be able to work for any Fortune 500 companies...at least not until this whole thing blows over in a month or two."

When confronted with this point of view, one stripper responded. "We're not selling sex to drunken, horny athletes here...we're selling the idea of sex. There's a big difference." Asked if they feel bad for possibly ruining these young men's careers, the other stripper claimed that their careers have suffered too. "Since this thing happened, our business has taken a nose-dive. Nobody wants lap dances anymore because they want to avoid confusion. That was our bread and butter...the lap dances, not the confusion. Also, guys don't get as wasted anymore, which really cuts down on unnecessarily high tipping. Fortunately, nobody really knows our names either. We're just 'the strippers', which is fine by us...because really...that's what we are."